


The White Island

by IggyJules



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Fights, M/M, Violence, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-03-27 22:57:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13890906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IggyJules/pseuds/IggyJules
Summary: Jūshirō is a very special young soul, having a black god inside of him. Together with his best friend Shunsui the prodigy is striving to become a Shinigami, but what will happen when all signs are pointing to the dawn of a new war? / A rewrite of Ukitake's entire backstory / Part I: Childhood and student years / ! Warnings: yaoi (ShunUki), language, sex, violence, angst.





	1. Twin Fish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jūshirō Ukitake](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=J%C5%ABshir%C5%8D+Ukitake).



> This will be the first of three parts of a long fanfiction where I will be rewriting Jūshirō's entire backstory and the events of the manga (while still sticking to the canon), because I feel he is so much more than was shown, and he deserves a complete and suitable storyline. 
> 
> I will establish his friend- and relationship with Shunsui, will do some worldbuilding for pre-anime Soul Society and the old Gotei, give him a Bankai, an inner world and decent fights, focus on the god inside of him, Mimihagi, create many interactions with lots of different characters, and deal with the upcoming threat to Seireitei which are Yhwach and his Quincy Army. 
> 
> This part of the story follows Jūshirō's journey from being a sick child to becoming a full-fledged Shinigami.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

One day, the Ukitake clan received a special visitor. It was a severe, black-haired man with a scar gracing his half-bald forehead.

Peering through his room's window, Jūshirō was watching the man converse with his parents; he remembered seeing him before, though then he had lain sick and his mother hadn't allowed him to talk to the stranger.

Little Jūshirō had no idea why he was back; perhaps he was some kind of healer? His mother would call them all the time, but so far none of them had been able to make a difference.

Jūshirō gasped with excitement as the grim man's gaze met his for a second when he looked up, almost as if he had sensed the boy was watching. So he was indeed searching for him, Jūshirō concluded, feeling his heart pound in his chest.

He didn't get much diversion, being frail and delicate in health; his mother wouldn't let him play with the other children, not even with his sibling, and would confine him to his room so his condition wouldn't worsen.

Because of this, Jūshirō, a good-natured and cheerful child, welcomed every opportunity to have some fun.

He was already at the stairs when a servant called for him. »Young master« the housemaid said, »you have a visitor!«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

»My name is Shigekuni Yamamoto« the dark-haired man introduced himself, »we have met before, but I assume you don't remember.«

Jūshirō wordlessly took a bow. Still he was wondering about the reason for the stranger's visit.

The young boy turned to his mother, hoping for an explanation, yet it was the old man who spoke up first. »I have been watching you for a while now, Jūshirō-kun. And today I want you to meet somebody.«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jūshirō's heart was racing from utter excitement when the old man Yamamoto led him through a heavy wooden gate; they followed a trail through a garden up to an impressive residence.

»This is my family's property« Yamamoto briefly explained; »I have invited some dear friends of mine. They have a son the same age as you, who happens to be my godchild.«

Upon hearing these words, Jūshirō's face lit up. A friend for him? The boy couldn't contain his excitement, smiling brightly, but didn't dare say anything to the old man.

Again he nodded and followed Yamamoto to the entrance hall.

He had barely entered the large room when he was assaulted by what he perceived as a pink whirlwind; he was grabbed by the shoulders and shaken back and forth.

»You must be Jūshirō!« the wild child exclaimed and quickly introduced himself: »My name is Shunsui, I'm the second son to the noble Kyōraku family!«

Yamamoto softly put his hand on the boisterous boy's shoulder and pulled him back. »Be gentle, Shunsui, didn't I tell you to take it slow? Most people don't like it to be overrun by a perfect stranger.«

The brown-haired boy immediately apologised to his visitor but Jūshirō shook his head. »It's okay, Sir. I don't mind at all« he said, being met by two shining grey eyes, wide, alight. Alive.

Shunsui was beaming. »Awesome! Let's go, I'll show you the garden!«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yamamoto's garden was wonderful indeed, Jūshirō quickly realised. There was so much to do. Shunsui showed him a river which could be crossed by jumping from stone to stone, they played hide-and-seek among the reeds and climbed up several trees.

Jūshirō couldn't remember the last time he had so much fun; he rarely got to experience nature like this since his mother was always scared he would catch a cold or break a bone, and the fact that Shunsui was accepting him as his playmate so easily, so effortlessly, baffled him.

 _A_ _friend,_ Jūshirō thought to himself over and over, _a friend for me, a friend_.

It was only when Shunsui suggested a round of tag when reality kicked in and brought him right back down to earth.

Jūshirō's throat felt constricted all of a sudden and he had to pause.

»What's the matter?« Shunsui shouted at him and, forgetting about the game, came running towards the struggling white-haired; »are you not feeling well?«

The attentive boy immediately seemed to realise what was going on, grabbed Jūshirō by the hand and quickly guided him to the porch so he could sit down.

»Yama-jī told me about your… eh, your lung thing. Does it hurt?«

Jūshirō instinctively shook his head to imply a lie.

For a while they just sat there, Shunsui giving his new friend time to catch his breath; then, the brown-haired faced him again and wondered »why has he picked you?«

Jūshirō had no answer to this question. Picked him? What for? »I don't know« he answered truthfully; Shunsui tilted his head. »You won't be able to become a Shinigami when you're sick like that, can you?«

»I'd love to be a Shinigami one day« Jūshirō answered, »but no, I don't think I can.«

Becoming a Shinigami like the ones he had read about, the ones that were venerated like heroes by the common folks, had always been a dream of his. Was it really what the old man Yamamoto had picked him for? Him of all people?

»Too bad« Shunsui complained, »I was hoping we would go there together as soon as we're old enough, you know. I thought that was the reason he introduced you to me. Yama-jī said you were special, aye. Special like me.«

Then Shunsui paused; Jūshirō's eyes widened. All of a sudden he felt bad about himself. If he couldn't keep up with this boy, there was no chance of them ever being real friends.

The realization saddened him and he felt the strong need to justify himself, prove to Shunsui he wasn't weak at all. »Oi, I am special« he claimed, »but not the way you are, I guess.«

Now the brown-haired seemed interested again. »Really?« he wondered, »how then?«

Jūshirō smiled again and answered his new friend's question without hesitation. »Inside me lives a black god. I'm his chosen one. That makes me special in a way, now doesn't it?«

Shunsui started laughing, much to Jūshirō's surprise; he had expected a different reaction. Was it wrong to share this secret of his with Shunsui?

But he quickly understood the other boy's laughter wasn't malicious but happy.

»Great!« Shunsui cheered, »now come on, I haven't shown you the best part yet.«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The two boys were kneeling in front of a large pond, Shunsui throwing small rocks into it, trying to make them jump while Jūshirō just watched the subtle movements below the water surface.

It was only when Shunsui grew tired of throwing the rocks that the fish started to emerge from below and came closer. So close, Jūshirō almost believed they wanted to greet him.

»Look!« he shouted at Shunsui who had already turned away.

There were two koi swimming in a seamless circular movement just below the surface, one of them black-scaled, the other one white.

»They like each other« Shunsui joked, patting Jūshirō on his back, signalling him to follow. »Come, I'm sure dinner's ready by now!«

And the white-haired ran after him without hesitation.

_fin._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jūshirō and Shunsui are both Yamamoto's chosen ones. But wat for?

 


	2. The Ink-Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jūshirō has a nightmare.

One night, Jūshirō had a dream. 

He felt he was levitating, some unknown force slowly pulling him upwards, closer and closer to the ceiling. 

Then suddenly, the walls of his room fell dark, thick black dripped down like paint, merged with the floor and encased the boy in darkness. 

The blindness forced upon him frightened the boy; as soon as he chose to cry out for help, there were hands grabbing him, tearing on his clothes. He was unable to fend them off, unable to move at all. 

On the walls, eyes had begun to open, one after an other, their gazes all directed at him. 

»I want to show you the island« a faint voice whispered; for some reason, Jūshirō felt at home. It was the strangest sound he had ever perceived, yet at the same time the voice felt thoroughly familiar, almost as if he had known its owner for a millennium. Longer even. 

»I want to see« Jūshirō found himself able to say, »please show me the island.« 

Though nothing happened. 

The world was still dark with the exception of white eyes, their inked pupils circling round and round. The hands had ceased to pull him and were now just holding him instead; steady, motionless. 

Jūshirō now really wanted to see the island. »Show me!« he demanded once again. 

»You cannot see it yet« the voice noted, now using a softer yet equally familiar tone, »but in time you will. I cannot wait to talk to you…«

»Show me the island!« Jūshirō now screamed; for some reason he was painfully aware of the island's utter importance, he felt a strong desire to be there, a force pulling him towards the unknown location. »It's mine! I need to see it! I belong there!« He knew for sure. He knew it was his only objective in life to reach the island. 

The sound of the word alone was radiating so much peace, salvation, love…  _my home_ … yet there were a thousand black eyes blocking his path, thick black oozing out of the walls rendering him blind to what he needed to see at all costs. 

»You need to return now« the voice whispered, and for a second Jūshirō hoped it was referring to his _real_ home, the island. That wasn't the case, though.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The white-haired boy woke up with a start, cold sweat running down his face. The voice was still echoing through his head.

 


	3. Meet me there

One day, Jūshirō received two letters.

He had never gotten any kind of mail, so it was a big event for him; and now two letters at once.

Much to his surprise it was his mother who delivered them to him, not one of the maids. He hadn't properly spoken to her in weeks.

»There you go« the black-haired lady said, the tone of her voice much softer than it had been before. Nevertheless she didn't waste much time in her teenage son's chamber and immediately left again the way Jūshirō had become used to.

Yet she had seemed cheerful today, and it certainly was due to these letters. He didn't hesitate and took a closer look at the first one.

 _Shunsui Sōzōsuke Jirō Kyōraku_ it read in pretty letters, and below _to Jūshirō Ukitake, Ukitake estate, West Rukongai, District 1_.

Jūshirō's heart skipped a beat. Shunsui? It had been a while since their last meeting, so he was all the more excited to hear from his childhood friend.

Almost carelessly Jūshirō ripped off the envelope to see what was written inside. Just three words.

> _Meet me there._

The next letter brought clarity – this time, the sender was none other than Shigekuni Genryūsai Yamamoto himself, and Jūshirō didn't believe his eyes reading through the letter for the first time.

There it was, what he had waited for his whole life… »I will« he exclaimed, »I will meet you there, Shunsui. Just wait for me.«

> _Jūshirō Ukitake-san,_
> 
> _you hereby are officially invited to formally train at the recently established Shin-ō Academy for Shinigami Education, Seireitei, Soul Society. The application process will start March 4th; if you wish to enrol please be present at the Higonyūdō, southern entrance gate to Seireitei, at noon._
> 
> _Respectfully, Shigekuni Genryūsai Yamamoto, Gotei Captain-Commander._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, longer chapters are coming.


	4. The Grey and wide alight

So far, Jūshirō had only seen the walls from a distance; he remembered that, as a kid, he had always wanted to know what lay beyond them.

Now that he was finally standing so close to the entrance of Seireitei, he could literally feel its magnificence, the enormous spiritual energy the giant court city was radiating.

He felt nervous, light-headed even, as he tried to listen to the shinigami official giving the welcoming speech; the bigger part of his attention, however, was directed at his fellow students.

Jūshirō was scanning the crowd, hoping to catch sight of the one he promised to meet here.

It was only after the enrolment procedure that Jūshirō finally found what he had been looking for; Shunsui, in fact, was a person that stood out a mile amongst others. He was wearing a colourful haori and a hat the way it was considered fashionable amongst young souls at the moment.

Jūshirō waved tentatively, wondering whether his childhood friend would recognise him after all these years.

He did.

Jūshirō's heart skipped a beat when he saw him wave right back at him and quickly make his way through the crowd. A surprisingly deep voice called out his name.

Shunsui's appearance baffled him – he had grown up, much more so than Jūshirō felt he had himself.

»It's so good to see you again« Shunsui said happily, »you look healthy!«

Jūshirō took it as a compliment, even though he wasn't too sure about himself – pale, delicate and ghost-like as he was. Insecure, too.

Nevertheless he returned Shunsui's bright smile.

»Let's start a brand-new chapter, shall we? The two of us are going to be the greatest students this academy will ever see« Shunsui proclaimed with a wink as he and Jūshirō finally got to pass the gate.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Deep grey. Liquid quicksilver, but with an energy that could set the whole world on fire. A spark…_

»We'll be sharing a room, right? Ah, let's explore the forest after the formalities are done with, I heard they have beautiful nature in Seireitei… I wonder how much leisure time they'll grant us. Not much probably, I assume the education's quite demanding. We'll see, right? Shiro-chan? Jūshirō?«

The white-haired woke from his daydream and quickly apologised for not listening; Shunsui laughed. »I'm talking too much, I'm the one that should be sorry. But I'm so excited! Aren't you?«

Jūshirō quickly confirmed his own excitement – his heart was still pounding in his chest as testimony. »I'm looking forward to meeting Yamamoto-sama again, it's been a while since I've seen him« Jūshirō noted, and Shunsui laughed again.

»Ay, he'll be giving us a lengthy, tedious speech in just a moment and inform us about all the fun things we're not allowed to do around here. But I'm willing to listen, you know… I'll be the first to ever break every single rule.«

Jūshirō chuckled, unsure whether the latter statement was meant to be a joke or a promise.

»And you're going to help me with it, ne, Shiro-chan?« Jūshirō started coughing when Shunsui slapped his back a little too harshly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The room they were going to share from now on was much smaller than what Jūshirō had called his chamber back at home.

There was a single window facing to the north side, a small table and two futons at opposing sides of the room.

Jūshirō immediately knew this place would feel like a home to him in no time; he already liked it so much more than his family's residence. _This room won't be a prison_.

Shunsui carelessly dropped his belongings on the floor and threw himself onto the thin bedroll; his hat flew off and revealed his dark brown hair.

The soft curls, his effervescent nature and the spark in his eyes were the only things that hadn't changed from when Jūshirō had last met him; he felt like a stranger to him yet familiar at the same time, just like the first time they had met.

As if they had known each other in a long-gone past life.

Jūshirō was unsure of how to treat him. Shunsui, however, didn't seem to feel the same inhibition; the entire day he had been acting as if their last meeting had only been yesterday.

Childhood friends. That was the label Jūshirō had given their relationship in his mind all this time, too, yet now that he was with Shunsui the man, not Shunsui the fidgety boy, he wasn't so sure about it any more.

He wondered whether Shunsui had noticed changes in him as well, or if he had stayed the same; so far he hadn't said anything along the lines of _you've grown up_ , or _you look different_.

Absentmindedly Jūshirō started unpacking his belongings. Maybe it simply didn't matter and he was overthinking it. Shunsui, after all, appeared to be happy, so Jūshirō decided he should be, too.

»This is going to be the start of an era, I can feel it in my bones« the brown-haired noted when Jūshirō had finally sat down.

The way these grey eyes were casually resting on him made him feel nervous for some reason. There was no agitation in them, just a well-controlled fire.

His own eyes opened wide, Jūshirō stared back; he didn't know what to answer.

Shunsui helped him out, though. »Tomorrow at seven sharp, that's what he said, right? Old man Yama, I mean.«

Jūshirō nodded yes, still trapped in his counterpart's gaze.

»Then we should probably get some sleep, don't want to be late on the first day, right? Oh well, or maybe I should… would make for a grand entrance, tough…« Shunsui mused, averting his gaze, and all of a sudden Jūshirō found himself at ease.

Cheerful laughter echoed through the room and Jūshirō realised it would be the very first night he wasn't going to spend alone.


	5. Soul Link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fast-forward of their first academy year. Also: important developments are soon to come...

It didn't take long for Jūshirō to thaw; he quickly turned out to be a sociable young man who, despite not having been able to get in contact with many people other than his family members in the past, had no problems dealing with his peers.

Together with Shunsui he made a large group of friends and came to be well-respected among their fellows.

Shunsui ended up being right in assuming they would make for great students; both his and Jūshirō's apparent talent was acknowledged not only by their fellow students but also by their teachers, and lastly Yamamoto himself.

The old man wasn't too surprised about this development, having personally recruited the two boys for a reason after all.

He frequently had them train until late at night, gave private lessons and actively fostered his special students' rapid growth of power.

Shunsui took everything easy while Jūshirō was eager to learn.

He studied while Shunsui was sleeping, buried his nose in books while his friend was meeting girls, and diligently took notes while the other didn't bother showing up to early morning lectures.

When it came to swordsmanship and hand-to-hand combat, however, Shunsui had the edge over the white-haired, whose health condition, though it had majorly improved, was limiting him.

Jūshirō spent hours and hours meditating and focussing on his reiatsu because he had noticed the positive effect such training had on his health, and often busied himself with kidō practice, something Shunsui wasn't as enthusiastic about.

He was hoping that, by expanding the pool of reiatsu available to him, he would have an easier time keeping up with his naturally gifted friend, who, in spite of lacking effort and motivation, still managed to be miles ahead of the rest.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The first time Jūshirō saw the outspoken optimist that was Shunsui at a complete and utter loss of words was when Yamamoto solemnly handed them a pair of Asauchi.

»You will be training with these from now on« the old man briefly explained, »as I hope you remember from the respective lectures, these blank swords will become your Zanpakutō as soon as you're ready – « the teacher went on, but Shunsui had already stopped listening.

With sweeping gestures he was wielding the newly acquired weapon and moved his body to an imaginary tune.

Jūshirō's face lit up; he couldn't wait to get down to action either.

»It will take more than just a little sparring, though« Yamamoto interrupted his students' euphoria, »I want you to carry the Asauchi with you at all times, even when you're sleeping; they need to be imbued with your reiatsu, imprinted with the essence of your souls. Concerns were raised regarding your age, some think you're still too young to take this next step, but I don't see a reason to wait any longer. So don't make me regret my decision.«

 _He's right_ , Jūshirō thought, remembering Yamamoto's lecture about the nature of Zanpakutō – _only when the soul is ready can a shinigami connect with their weapon, its spirit and the inner world they will then share forever_ …

The thought about the inner world that was allegedly to be found inside every soul sparked Jūshirō's excitement.

For some reason he felt ardent eagerness to visit this place; he knew he badly needed to reach the depths of his soul, the sooner the better…

»Ne, Shiro-chan?«

»Hmm?«

»Want to fight me?« Shunsui asked, sporting a cocky smile; Jūshirō realised only now that Yamamoto had gone off.

Mirroring Shunsui's broad grin he raised his brand new weapon; »of course!«


	6. White Dahlia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The white dahlia –  
> to handle difficult situations with grace, to draw upon inner strength, to stand out from the crowd, to follow your own path, to stay kind in challenging situations, to find balance between action and relaxation, to commit to another person, to form a lasting bond, to start a new life chapter, to stay pure, to celebrate what makes you special.

»Please! Just one time, I promise. Come on, it's not going to hurt anybody, ne?«

Jūshirō sighed in defeat; two huge, grey eyes, like those of a puppy, were begging him to give in, and he couldn't deny them anything.

»Fine, but just that one time« he surrendered; Shunsui cheered, »sure, sure, that'll be the only time. Come on, before somebody sees us!«

He roughly grabbed his friend's cold hand and dragged him towards the gate.

Skipping a lecture was something Jūshirō had never done before.

Yamamoto would certainly notice right away he wasn't there, and, while Shunsui's absence had become a regularity, his would disappoint their mentor for sure. Or perhaps he'd just assume he wasn't feeling well? But then he would probably second-guess his choice to recruit Jūshirō in the first place, believing he was too fragile to attend class…

So far, Jūshirō had spared no effort for his education, had always been best prepared and most eager, meticulous with his homework and always the first to raise his hand and answer his teacher's questions.

Would skipping one lecture already be enough of a reason to suspend him?

»I can literally see you overthinking« Shunsui noted when he held open the small door that led through the gate.

»I don't think this is a good idea« Jūshirō admitted, but Shunsui just laughed about his concern.

»Just stop worrying about it already. I'll take the blame if we were to get caught. Which won't happen, I'm doing it all the time and I've never been called out for it, so relax. And this time it's absolutely necessary, you know – the shops are already closed when classes are over, so of course I'll have to do my shopping during school time, right? It just can't be helped.«

The other one's flawless logic raised a smile from Jūshirō's lips; he couldn't deny the fact that he admired Shunsui's carefree nature.

Life must be easier when you're like this, he assumed; and Shunsui was right after all – Jūshirō had always been prone to overthinking and usually it never led anywhere, so wasn't it best to just switch off your head for once?

He noticed Shunsui had already walked ahead; »wait for me!« Jūshirō shouted and quickly followed him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was a bright, hot summer day; the streets of Rukongai were busy in the early morning.

There were noblemen and -women idly ambling along, and parents with a whole pack of children running after them, all looking too different from each other to be related by blood.

Every now and then there was a Shinigami to be seen, talking to Rukon residents or spending their free time shopping; Jūshirō assumed they either weren't on duty or there just wasn't anything in need of their attention.

Also, none of them cared enough to call them out for cutting class despite their prominent uniform clearly marking them students that shouldn't be here right now.

Jūshirō had only visited Rukongai once before, at the day he went to enrol for Shin'ō Academy, but he remembered his siblings' tales about their journeys. _T_ _hey're sleeping in the dirt, there are so many beggars, and mummy told me not to give them anything because they'd only buy drugs. I felt bad about it but she wouldn't allow it... I wouldn't want to live there..._ his sister's voice echoed through his head.

Her experience had differed much from what Jūshirō was seeing right now; of course he knew that a district's economic and social state seemed to deteriorate the farther away it was located from Seireitei, but then again, his mother would have never taken his siblings too far away from the Ukitake residence.

»Junrinan is beautiful in summer« Shunsui noted as if he had read Jūshirō's thoughts, »it almost makes you forget about the poverty and crime rates. But well, you won't really find that in the first and second districts, anyway, since there are mostly lesser nobles and businessmen living here. The establishment of Shin'ō Academy certainly helped it as well – more Shinigami around means less trouble between the residents. When I used to come here as a child it was a certainty to be witnessing at least one bar fight, or a shop owner chasing a thief… but the ruffians and stray kids are gone as far as I can tell, probably brawling and stealing somewhere else by now.«

Jūshirō took in the information with great interest; as a child he had constantly wondered about what lay beyond the walls of his room and, despite hearing his siblings' talk about the alleged hellhole that was Rukongai, had always longed to see it with his own eyes one day.

He inhaled the dusty air and tasted freedom.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

»Ah, these are both wonderful« Shunsui pondered, scrutinizing two flowered yukata in turns, »I can't decide!«

Jūshirō leaned against a mirror on the wall because its cool surface felt good on his temple, and watched his indecisive friend's struggle.

»Which one do you like better?« Shunsui then asked and tossed one of the garments at the white-haired so he could free himself from his uniform.

»Ahm…« Jūshirō said, surprised by the sudden sight of Shunsui's bare, well-toned chest.

And he wasn't the only one to notice – two girls going through the racks behind them halted, stared, exchanged a meaningful glance and then started giggling. Shunsui gave them a wink and proceeded to try on the yukata.

»I like the red one« Jūshirō quietly said; the warm, striking colour complimented Shunsui's tan skin and the silver pattern accentuated his eyes.

»The red one really suits me, right?« Shunsui coquetted while tweaking the garment's seam so that just the perfect amount of curly chest hair showed, »but the green one is pretty as well… and I think green is my favourite colour at the moment. What do you think?«

Jūshirō found himself overwhelmed with the simple question for some reason. _Green… why green… what's my favourite colour, actually?_

Unhelpfully so, he settled for »they both look great on you.« Fashion wasn't something he knew a lot about in the first place, and furthermore he felt the heat slowly getting to his head.

It got to a point where he couldn't think straight any more, the stifling air restricted his throat like an invisible noose; the mirror surface he was still leaning against had warmed up by now, too, and wasn't helping any more.

»Why don't you just take both?« Jūshirō then suggested, hoping they could finally leave the stuffy store soon. Shunsui seemed to like the idea. »Right, why not, actually?«

 

As they made their way to the counter, the gazes of the giggling girls followed them and made Jūshirō feel even more uncomfortable.

 _Please don't talk to them, please don't_ , Jūshirō mentally prayed, thinking about Shunsui's prime hobby of picking up pretty females wherever he went.

Luckily, this didn't seem to be his intention right now; outside, Jūshirō gasped for fresh, cool air, but all he got was a lung full of dust and searing heat.

He suppressed a cough.

»Do you need a moment?« Shunsui asked, mindful of the white-haired's condition.

Jūshirō was taken aback by the fact that Shunsui could so easily tell how he was feeling; »do I look miserable?« he therefore asked.

»Nah, only a little paler than usual. It's awfully hot today, isn't it? Come, take a seat« Shunsui said.

While Jūshirō sat down in a shadowy place on the store's porch, Shunsui scanned the area. »They're probably selling water somewhere around here. Do you want me to get you some?«

He didn't even wait for Jūshirō's approval but rushed off right away, shouting wait here as he disappeared from the white-haired's field of vision.

 

And Jūshirō found himself alone.

He immediately noticed the subtle glances that the passers-by would shoot at him, inconspicuous but piercing, as if they were silently judging him.

Jūshirō tried to convince himself it was due to his unusual hair colour, or maybe because of his student uniform, and not because he was looking like a forlorn sickly ghost boy.

Scanning the streets for a sight of Shunsui he blanked out the unwanted attention from random strangers, and let his thoughts wander. Unfortunately though, they arrived at a place he didn't feel comfortable at either.

_He's so handsome… I must be downright invisible standing next to him, he's so colourful and warm, and people's reactions to him are exclusively positive. But all they see when they're looking at me is a strange curiosity, I'm plain and so white I could just as well be transparent…_

»Oi, there you go.«

Shunsui's voice freed Jūshirō from his thoughts at once; he hadn't even noticed his return, being wrapped up in his sinister thoughts. Thankfully he grabbed the flask of water he handed him.

»Sorry for taking so long, but I got a little distracted« Shunsui said.

Jūshirō emptied the bottle in one go, feeling the water's soothing effect immediately; breathing became easier again.

»Better?« Shunsui reassured himself, sitting down next to his friend who nodded yes.

Then Shunsui pulled something else from his robe; it was a flower, Jūshirō realised. Shunsui gazed at it for a second, and then softly placed it in Jūshirō's lap.

»Beautiful, right?« Jūshirō was astonished not only by the present itself, but also by the gentle gesture Shunsui had handed it over with.

Carefully he lifted the delicate plant and brought it to his face, taking in its faint, sweetish scent.

It was a white dahlia, he knew because they used to grow in his family's garden, but this one was by far the most beautiful one he had ever seen.

Jūshirō wanted to thank Shunsui but couldn't find the right words to express how flattered he was, so he just remained silent, indulging in this moment for as long as it lasted.

Maybe it hadn't been too bad of a decision, skipping a lecture.

But just that one time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: thank you so much for your kind comments and kudos, your feedback makes me really happy!


	7. Running with Shackles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sex talk. But innocently so.

Despite being popular among their fellows, Shunsui and Jūshirō spent most of their time together, just the two of them.

They would talk for hours, or say nothing at all and just enjoy the silence, the peacefulness of nature, and a nice cup of tea. Jūshirō would draw while Shunsui would laze around and sometimes sing or whistle random tunes, or they would spar in a field at night, far away from the barracks so the other shinigami's sleep wouldn't be disturbed by their reiatsu.

Jūshirō's worries about their friendship had ceased; he felt at home in Seireitei and very comfortable around the one he was allowed to call his best friend.

Often he wondered what his parents would say if they were able to see him fight or experiment with kidō, stay up late and spend his free time outside, regardless of the weather.

He was quick in pushing thoughts about his family to the side as soon as they occurred, though.

Focussing on what was truly important was easy with Shunsui around – he was the best deterrent for bad mood or sombre thoughts.

As Jūshirō had expected, Shunsui was the spark he had needed in order to shine.

It was as if their friendship had cured him somehow; Jūshirō felt more alive than he ever had, freer and happier than he had ever been.

Before he had properly realised, the first year of their education had passed in a flash.

Both he and Shunsui decided to spend the holidays in Seireitei because they wanted to train together, or that was what they told each other after all; the real reasons remained buried for now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

With so much freedom and free time at hand that Jūshirō mostly spent accompanying Shunsui to different bars or venues in Seireitei or the better districts of Rukongai, the white-haired though felt new shackles restricting him.

Every time he saw Shunsui laugh for somebody else, whenever his gaze wasn't directed at him, all the times Shunsui made a fool of himself trying to impress girls he casually made acquaintance of they grew a little tighter.

Jūshirō found himself feigning a smile every time Shunsui returned to their shared room, hungover from a night of drinking, smelling of a stranger's perfume.

The shackles kept growing tighter and tighter with every passing day; Jūshirō couldn't deny it for long, the pitch-black cage that was slowly forming around his heart, making it heavy every time he wasn't alone with Shunsui.

He mentally scolded himself for the feelings he harboured, for the unfair wish to be the only one he spent his time with.

Jūshirō had never experienced such an ill kind of a feeling, so naturally he had no idea of how to deal with it.

He attempted to swallow it the same way he did with the blood that would sometimes make its way up his throat, he'd just force it back down so Shunsui didn't have to see and worry, or, much worse, consider him weak.

It was only when Shunsui asked him something, that he realised the true nature of his feelings.

»Why don't you ever make a move?« Shunsui wanted to know, »I'm sure there are lots of girls that are looking for a handsome boyfriend like you, so why do you keep wasting all these opportunities?«

Jūshirō just stared at him instead of answering the question, blinking quickly, again and again.

He knew why, now that he was forced to think about it and couldn't just cast it aside the way he always did and had become comfortable with.

It wasn't the realisation itself that struck him like lightning but the fact that Shunsui seemed to be entirely oblivious to it. Usually he appeared to be a lot more perceptive.

»I… I don't know, I don't really feel like… I'm really no good at talking to girls. In such a way, I mean« Jūshirō quickly sidetracked.

He was feeling strangely exposed yet at the same time completely misunderstood.

»You don't feel like it?« Shunsui wondered, »how can a man not feel like getting with a pretty girl? You're a strange one, Shiro-chan. But ah ~ who am I to judge. You should take your time, that's right, don't rush yourself if you're not feeling it, that's the smarter choice for sure. We've got all the time in the world, now don't we… but anyway, if you're not competing – more ladies for me!«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The following night Jūshirō couldn't seem to fall asleep.

Shunsui's regular breathing was still too quiet and controlled for him to be sleeping yet, too.

He felt the strong need to talk to him, but then again, he knew he wouldn't find the right words to say.

Again he concentrated on his friend's slow breath; time passed, but Jūshirō still found no sleep.

»…Shunsui?« he tentatively whispered after a while.

The other stopped breathing for a moment.

»What's up, Shiro-chan?« The deep, warm voice was comforting.

»Ahm… can I ask you something?« Jūshirō carefully said, weighing every word as it left his lips.

»Sure« Shunsui just said and turned around so he could face him; Jūshirō, though, kept staring at the ceiling.

»About what you said at the bar earlier… how I shouldn't rush things« Jūshirō started.

The brown-haired hummed affirmatively.

»Did you? Rush it, I mean?« Jūshirō explicated.

Shunsui seemed as if he hadn't expected the question; he remained silent for a while, shifted under his blanket and scratched his head. »Oh my… are you asking me how I lost my virginity?« he wondered.

»I guess« Jūshirō just shrugged and closed his eyes. He wasn't so sure he actually wanted to know; he could already feel the shackles pulling tighter again, yet there was an unfamiliar, masochistic curiosity he felt thinking about the topic.

For a second he asked himself what he wanted to hear, and didn't like the answer at all.

»It was summer, and I felt like going on an adventure, you know I love adventures« Shunsui began narrating.

»My parents wouldn't allow me to go out at night, so I ran away without them knowing, and ended up in the amusement quarter not too far from our residence. I used to go there often, but never at night. They said it was dangerous, with charlatans and thieves sneaking around and I wanted to see for myself. It was beautiful there, I should show you one day, with all the lampions above, the smoke, the different odours, all of that. I was still a boy, but I felt like a grown-up, though I couldn't even grow a beard yet.«

Shunsui chuckled and paused for a moment.

»However… I decided to have some fun, get some drinks with all the money I had… and met a woman. A woman she was indeed. She was much older than I, but she didn't mind. I don't remember much because I was drunk, and I never saw her again afterwards – not very romantic, I know. I'd like to say otherwise, but it is what it is. It happened at an age when I could hardly think about anything else, had nothing in mind but girls, wanted to get laid at all costs… I was rebelling, you know. My parents had always told me about marriage, how my life was going to be as the offspring of a noble family… but I hated the idea. I felt cornered, and I knew for a fact my older brother felt the same way. So we both did what we knew would anger them the most. There was nothing special about my first time, and sometimes I regret it. But then on the other hand… it probably suits me. Today I realised something…« Shunsui trailed off.

Jūshirō swallowed; for some reason he felt relieved. _It was nothing special_.

There was a long silence.

Jūshirō was unsure if he should break it again. »…what did you realise?« he decided to whisper after a while, but this time Shunsui didn't answer.

Maybe he was already asleep.

Or maybe he just didn't want to tell him.


	8. The Blood Demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of blood and a little bit of Seireitei lore. And an ominous encounter.

The days went by and Jūshirō noticed how much he had improved over the last few weeks training with his Asauchi every day, sparring with Shunsui, and meditating on a regular basis.

Now he was able to go longer periods without having to cough when sparring, and the pain of the lung overstrain he always felt when he was resting after physical activity wasn't as grave any more.

He noticed that, when he was flooding his body with his own reiatsu on purpose, he felt healthy, at the height of his physical abilities, and how he felt even better when it was Shunsui's spiritual energy rivalling his own.

Classes had started again and, naturally, Jūshirō was eager to work harder than ever.

One day, however, he woke up and just couldn't move his limbs. He couldn't get up, not even when Shunsui tried to help him.

Searing pain hit his lungs as soon as he tried to sit up, followed by a rough coughing fit.

Shunsui, who had never seen his condition get severe like this, was worried sick but tried to stay calm and talk him through it; Jūshirō could only tell from his wavering hands and the slight tremble in his voice how it shook him.

The blood wasn't long in coming and Shunsui finally lost his composure.

»What do I do?!« he gasped as Jūshirō tried his best to cover his mouth and nose that were spilling the disgusting red, »what do I do, Shiro-chan? Oh my, why's there so much blood!?«

Jūshirō wanted to tell him to please calm down, and how everything was fine because he was used to it, that this was normal and that it would pass.

Too bad he couldn't breathe, let alone talk at the moment.

»The medics!« Shunsui exclaimed, » I'll get a medic, yeah? I'll just hurry up and get you a medic. Can I leave you alone? Shiro-chan? I'll be right back, yes? Yes?« Shunsui didn't wait for confirmation but rushed off in a hurry.

Jūshirō's sight vignetted.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

When he woke up he found himself surrounded by white.

The first thing he noticed about the place he was in was a heavy reiatsu lingering in the air. He couldn't pinpoint it, but the aura made him feel uneasy for some reason.

It didn't take long until a nurse entered the room to examine him. She put a fresh wet cloth on his forehead and checked his heart rate.

»Yamamoto-sama has informed us about your condition beforehand, so Unohana-sama knew right away how to treat you. You appear to be stable right now, but we will keep you here for another day to make sure. How frequent have these attacks been in the past?«

The nurse proceeded to ask a whole set of questions which Jūshirō tried his best to answer; breathing was still painful and with every word that left his mouth the coarse stinging sensation in his lungs grew more and more prominent again.

»Oh, you also had some visitors« the nurse informed him when she was done and about to leave, »your classmates were trying to check on you, but I had to send them away. They said they will try again later, so if you're not feeling fit enough for company, please tell me.«

Jūshirō forced himself to smile at her as he remembered that now they would all know what he really was like. He didn't want his classmates to see this side of him, fearing they would decide they had to treat him differently because of it, and worst of all, what would Shunsui think about him…

»Shiro-chan! I was so worried and they wouldn't let me see you« an exuberant voice suddenly echoed through the room and ushered out the negativity; when his best friend let himself slump down on the sickbed and carelessly wrapped his arms around him, Jūshirō knew his fears were baseless.

And he was thankful for it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The following weeks, Jūshirō found himself wandering around the medical quarters a lot.

He had been asked to get regular check-ups; Jūshirō thought them unnecessary since he was already feeling well again, but the healer had been adamant.

After getting his lungs checked and once again having been informed about the poor yet miraculous state of the organ, Jūshirō decided to take a walk.

The ominous presence of an aura he had felt here from the start seemed to be especially heavy today.

Jūshirō made his way along the porches, treading lightly to not disturb potential patients, and greeted everyone that crossed his path.

Only when a black-haired woman passed by him, Jūshirō found himself unable to say anything, not even the faintest _hello_.

He knew who she was right away.

And he also knew immediately that she was the epicentre of the heavy aura he had been curious about. He stopped walking as soon as she had passed him, and turned around to look after her; for some reason he felt the strong urge to follow her, but eventually decided against it.

 

The next day, Jūshirō wasn't obligated to see the healer for a check-up but chose to visit the medical quarters nonetheless.

Like yesterday he strolled about until he found what he was looking for.

This time the black-haired woman was nonchalantly leaning against the banister, her eyes focussing nothing in particular. Her long, straight hair was tied to a loose braid, falling over her chest and covering most of it.

With every breath she took her reiatsu seemed to fluctuate, drawing further away from her and then closer again with an unsettling pace that made the tiny hairs on Jūshirō's lower arms stand up.

In one swift movement she turned her head and stared right into his soul; her eyes were dark blue, their gaze intense – Jūshirō felt thoroughly examined, as if his entire essence had been bared.

Instinctively he took a few steps back.

She didn't avert her piercing gaze but fully turned around to properly face him.

»Ah… I'm sorry« Jūshirō quickly apologised for bothering her and took a bow. The next second his feet were already moving on their own, trying to get away from the black-haired woman as fast as possible.

Her reiatsu seemed to follow him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

»I saw her today« Jūshirō told Shunsui after they had finished training and had returned to their shared chamber; Shunsui let himself slump down on his futon and looked up to his friend.

»Who?« he inquired.

Jūshirō doffed his student robe and sat down as well. »The woman that used to call herself the Kenpachi, Yachiru Unohana. Apparently she healed me the other day, or that was what the nurse told me after all.«

Shunsui's interest appeared to be piqued; he shifted and sat up in order to hold a proper conversation.

»I've heard about her« he noted, »mass-murdering criminal, that's what my parents call her. And they think Yama-ji shouldn't ally with her, but I guess he didn't care too much about that strange ›profession‹ of hers.«

Jūshirō shrugged. So far he had only heard rumours about the Kenpachi that had been causing trouble in the outer districts of Rukongai up until a few years ago.

»Anyway, her reiatsu is menacing, thoroughly suitable for a mass murderer. I told you about it when I was sick the other week, remember? I wonder why she's always to be found at the medical quarters when she's supposed to be the war division's leader, and why she was the one healing me« he wondered while tidying his white hair.

»Ay, maybe she's just really skilled at dealing with wounds« Shunsui suggested, »you know, they're calling her the blood demon after all.«

Jūshirō shrugged again. He knew Yachiru Unohana was one of the founding members of the Gotei 13 and helped Yamamoto in establishing Seireitei and Shin'ō Academy; so far she was the second one of the five he had had the opportunity to meet in person.

Her aura, her gaze… »besides Yamamoto-sama, she must be the most powerful shinigami around here« Jūshirō pondered.

»I wonder if she'd want to go out with me« Shunsui said, half-serious, »my parents would probably disinherit me, and she sounds like an interesting woman, right? Win-win situation, I'd say. I'm not scared of a weird reiatsu and some blood ~ now am I.«

Jūshirō forced himself to chuckle over what he hoped was supposed to be a joke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FIVE FOUNDING MEMBERS
> 
> The fire demon - Shigekuni Genryūsai Yamamoto  
> The blood demon - Kenpachi Yachiru Unohana  
> The dust demon - ...  
> The shadow demon - ...  
> The tar demon - ...


	9. Dead God in Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title is a reference to a song by In Flames of the same name.

Now that their second year at Shin'ō Academy had begun, Yamamoto grew more demanding with his personal training lessons he gave the two students he had deemed prodigies.

Shunsui had assumed it was because he wanted to prepare them so they could achieve shikai as soon as possible, and Jūshirō was quite certain he was right.

After another endless training session, Jūshirō found himself exhausted, breathing heavily as the pair of friends made their way back towards the student barracks.

Shunsui, however, had something else in mind.

»Do you want to take a walk, Shiro-chan?« he asked; Jūshirō didn't feel like wearing himself out even further but found himself unable to deny his friend anything, so he gave his okay.

Shunsui led him to the fields beyond the walls of Seireitei where yet untouched nature was reigning and where the sun was just about to kiss the earth goodnight.

Jūshirō followed him up to the top of a hill, the soft grass shimmering white from the last rays of sunlight.

The sight was breathtaking.

Shunsui made himself at home, sitting down in the grass and leaning back. Jūshirō tentatively took a seat right next to him, minding to keep large enough a gap between them.

»Beautiful, isn't it?« Shunsui mused, »I discovered it the other day when I was out with… ah, what was her name again… that brown-haired girl I met last week. I immediately thought about you when I saw the glimmering white plains…«

Jūshirō kept quiet. He wasn't sure of how to feel about this statement of Shunsui's, so he just ignored the uneasy feeling that was once again slowly building in his stomach pit.

He noticed how close his hand was to Shunsui's and inconspicuously pulled it away.

The two young men sat like this for a while, watching the sun set until it was gone entirely and the world fell dark.

A shiver ran down Jūshirō's spine, and now that it was getting cold he could, more than ever, feel the heat Shunsui's body was radiating.

»Shiro-chan?« the brown-haired suddenly spoke up; Jūshirō sharply inhaled as the uneasy feeling swelled up again.

»Hm?« he queitly said, ready to listen.

»You know, I was wondering about something. Concerning you.«

Jūshirō swallowed with anticipation as Shunsui paused, still gazing at the horizon. »Remember when we first met? When we played in Yama-ji's garden?«

Jūshirō nodded; of course he remembered, he would never forget. _The day I made friends with you. The day my life changed for the better_.

»I thought you were so lovely back then, I had never seen anybody like you, white hair and everything… and I recalled all the times when Yama-ji had previously talked about you, so I believed you were the most wondrous and well-behaved boy there was, not like me, constantly getting in trouble. I thought you were just a nice little kid he sent to play with me in order to balance out my horrible temper« Shunsui laughed, »and overall I think I was right. You're the perfect counterbalance. But then you said something, and we never talked about it again afterwards. When you were so eager to prove to me you're special, remember?«

Jūshirō squinted his eyes, overcome with a sudden wave of embarrassment. He hadn't changed at all it seemed – he was still eager for Shunsui's approval and hungry for his attention, with the strong need to prove himself worthy of his company.

_Why did he choose you?_ Shunsui had asked him back then, he recalled, and he still didn't have a decent answer.

Maybe Shunsui was right and Yamamoto just wanted him to be his counterpart, the calm to his storm and the rain to his fire, the silent balance in his life in order to enhance his talent.

»Hey, are you even listening to me? Shiro-chan?«

Jūshirō woke. »Yes. I'm sorry. I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at« he chose to sidetrack.

Shunsui smiled and let himself fall backwards to lie in the grass. »You said there was a black god living inside of you. That you were his chosen one. I never knew what to make of that, but as a child I thought it was pretty wicked. Now I'm just wondering about it. How?«

Jūshirō sighed. He had known all along he would have to explain himself to Shunsui one day. It was a topic Jūshirō didn't feel as confident about as he once had.

»Well« he started out, »I can tell you the story if you want to hear it, but be aware that I don't really understand most of it either. Apparently nobody does. And I can only tell you what I've been told myself, because I don't remember much.«

»Please« said Shunsui, »I want to hear all about it.«

»I was very young when it initially happened, a toddler maybe. And very sick. Souls don't usually get sick like this, as you probably know, it's very rare, but well… I was barely clinging to life, barely breathing, and my parents thought I wouldn't make it through the night.«

Jūshirō paused and risked a glimpse at Shunsui whose expression he couldn't read, and therefore simply continued.

»I had already slept for over a week by then, and due to the enormous stress this particular attack of the illness posed on my body, my hair had turned white. So they brought me to the shrine of Mimihagi-sama. He is one of the old deities that were believed to be directly connected to the Soul King.«

Shunsui shifted; »I thought that was but a mere myth« he noted.

Jūshirō shrugged. »Most people do. Nowadays there is hardly anyone left who still believes in the old tales about the soul kings limbs. They've never shown themselves after all. My parents were firm believers, though, and prayed to Mimihagi-sama to save me. Surprisingly so, he responded to their prayers, and somehow… I was made his vessel. As a sacrifice he claimed most of my inner organs, and the lung condition I had fallen sick with became permanent. Mimihagi-sama is the god of stagnation, you must know, and therefore I am now trapped in this state somewhere between life and death. I cannot really live but on the other hand my sickness can no longer kill me either. It's been referred to as a miracle.«

»It is« Shunsui briefly agreed, then let Jūshirō continue.

»Some healers have told me my inside's pitch black, and most of them didn't want anything to do with me because they believed I was cursed. And maybe I am – my lungs are basically good for nothing, I've been frail and weak my entire life and my state of health only started to improve when I began to train. Now I can only perform on this level because I'm able to back up what I lack in physical strength with my reiatsu.«

Jūshirō neatly left out the fact that it was meeting Shunsui, seeing him run around so joyfully, what had inspired him to improve his physical condition back then.

»But well, I'm alive after all, and I would definitely not be if it wasn't for this god. Something like this has never happened before, you must know… it was the first time Mimihagi-sama, or any of the soul deities in general, had ever responded to anyone, let alone picked a soul vessel for himself…« Jūshirō slowly trailed off.

The same old question – _I wonder… why me?_

Shunsui didn't say anything for the next few minutes, but when he eventually spoke up again, he lifted Jūshirō's sombre mood. »I'm so glad. That must be the most amazing miracle to ever happen, for a god to pick you and save your life, so that I can sit next to you right now and see the light in your eyes when you're smiling. I really like that god. Can you tell him that? Can you talk to him?«

»Not really« Jūshirō answered, feeling relieved, »but I guess he can talk to me to some extend. I'm not sure, but I think he's done so in a dream. And sometimes I can feel him… living inside of me. It feels as if there's a presence lingering, calmly, it's just an undertone, or a transparent veil, something like that. A push at times, and sometimes a pull… I think he's trying to keep me safe.«

Shunsui smiled. »Oi, he better be making sure nothing bad ever happens to you. And if he doesn't I'll need to have a word with him!«

Jūshirō laughed, longer and louder than necessary, but he felt he had to laugh a weight off his shoulders. When looking into Shunsui's smiling eyes he felt comfortable. _You are my home_.

»Thank you« he whispered when he had stopped laughing, »thank you so much, Shunsui.«

»What for?« the other one asked.

»For accepting me the way I am« Jūshirō clarified. Shunsui had no idea how much it meant to him.


	10. Kindled

The lecture was dragging on; Jūshirō felt a dull ache filling his head and lungs every once in a while. The pain came in waves and was bearable for now, but still he couldn't wait for class to end so he could finally lie down.

He was unusually tired. Shunsui glanced at him, smiling encouragingly; Jūshirō assumed he had figured out what was going on by now – Shunsui always seemed to know when he wasn't feeling well.

»Do you rather want to stop by the medical division?« Shunsui asked right after the lecture had ended, arm wrapped around Jūshirō's waist, supporting his best friend who was barely able to walk by now.

»No« Jūshirō said, »just… bed.«

Shunsui smiled and came after his request.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

»How are you feeling?« Shunsui asked as he re-entered the room.

Jūshirō was awake by now and carefully tried to sit up. »Better« he said; it wasn't a lie. The dull pain hadn't left his chest entirely just yet, but the headache wasn't as strong any more, and naturally he didn't feel tired any longer, having slept for several hours.

»Perfect« Shunsui said and smiled at him, »it's weekend after all, I was hoping we could go out tonight. There's a new bar opening up« he suggested.

Jūshirō sighed. »I won't come along, I'm really not feeling too much like company right now. But you go have fun, you can tell me if the new bar is any good when you return, right?«

Shunsui, however, didn't seem to like Jūshirō's answer.

He groaned and sat down next to his sick friend's bedroll. »But I want you to come. We're always just training and studying, training and studying and working out, we're never having fun together lately« he complained, »and that's because you never really want to visit any of the places I'm suggesting! You can't always be such a bookworm and stay home to read or write or draw or whatever you do when I'm out having fun.«

»You mean when you're out having fun on your own with a couple of girls?« Jūshirō retorted; there was a reason why he hadn't gone out with Shunsui of late.

Sometimes he just didn't feel like watching his best friend get drunk and make out with random girls until he had enough and Jūshirō was left with the tedious task of carrying him home, and especially not today.

And creative work was just as much fun to him as meeting people was after all.

»Oh well, I wouldn't mind if you joined, I've told you that before. There are plenty of pretty girls, you could easily have one if you wanted to, I've seen the way they look at you. But you don't, so it's my job to keep them entertained, right?« Shunsui defended himself.

Jūshirō averted his gaze, trying his best to ignore the statement.

This wasn't exactly a topic he was comfortable talking about, and especially not when he was already feeling light-headed to begin with. Jūshirō figured he must indeed be looking pitiful today, because Shunsui immediately realised he had said something wrong.

»No, I'm sorry, Shiro-chan. You're right. I wouldn't want to watch my best friend getting boozed up all the time either and listen to his silly ramblings, eh. I want to spend the evening with you… but I still feel like drinking, too.«

Jūshirō rolled his eyes, but with a faint smile on his lips.

An apology was something entirely new, coming from Shunsui.

»Well, unless you're ready to ›get boozed up‹ in this room, I can't help you with your dilemma.«

Shunsui, much to Jūshirō's surprise, nodded. »Fine, then I'll stay here tonight. There's my sake – « he said, pulling out a flask, » – and here's my Shiro-chan.«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jūshirō was painting while Shunsui watched him, enjoying his drink at that.

There was a comfortable silence filling the candle-lit room that only got interrupted when Shunsui wanted to know what Jūshirō's drawing would turn out to depict.

»An ocean island« Jūshirō answered, »with a single tree growing from the rocks. It will eventually be struck by lightning.«

Shunsui laughed, then took another sip from his flask; »that's quite the metaphor, actually. But it suits you« he said, drawing a little closer to the table Jūshirō was kneeling in front of.

There was another period of silence in which Shunsui finished the entire flask of sake, only to pull a new one from his haori right away; Jūshirō was absorbed in the activity of drawing, skilfully moving his brush across the thick paper.

»You're very talented,« Shunsui complimented him after a while, when the island-tree was slowly taking shape, »it's turning out really pretty.«

Jūshirō stopped and looked up to smile at his best friend. It was his first time painting while somebody was watching his every move; it had become a hobby for a locked room, for the hours when he had felt sick, bored and lonely at home, so he wasn't used to receiving compliments for his skill.

»Pretty, like you« Shunsui decided to add.

Jūshirō paused in suspense, but there were no more words following the ambiguous statement; Shunsui had focussed his attention on his sake once again. »Ah, this won't do« he mumbled upon noticing he was running short on alcoholic supplies.

»I think you might have had enough« Jūshirō dared to advise him, figuring he'd only keep making stupid statements if he went on drinking, but Shunsui just laughed again.

»Always so worried for me, huh? But shouldn't I be the one worried for you? You're the one that's sick, now aren't you« he said, sat up and flung his arm around the white-haired's shoulders.

»Ahm… I'm already feeling much… ah… better« Jūshirō stuttered, trying to keep his balance as Shunsui leaned against him, smothering him with his grip.

Jūshirō was painfully aware of the heat that was now rapidly making its way up his neck, an acceleration of his blood flow, the pounding of a confused heart in his throat.

Shunsui noticed he was crushing his friend and adjusted his position so he wouldn't be too heavy for the other any more, yet he left his arm where it was.

»You're so delicate« he said, »I tend to forget about it at times, since you're not like that when we train.«

Jūshirō was unsure whether he should take it as a compliment or if it was just the uncomfortable truth.

_Does he think I'm weak?_ His thoughts were moving through his head at the slowest possible pace it seemed, he was unable to think straight. _Does he?_

»I like you very much like that. You know, right? You're so soft and gentle… « Shunsui said and brought his hand to Jūshirō's hair, dishevelling it a bit.

All thoughts vanished from Jūshirō's mind at once, leaving nothing but the painful echo of a heavily beating heart that mixed with the dull remains of a headache.

Shunsui's warm hand was resting in place, his thumb digging deeper through the short, white strands of hair.

»So soft…« Shunsui repeated, calmer now. Jūshirō tried his hardest not to move so Shunsui wouldn't feel the need to stop; he closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth in a controlled manner to slow down his heart rate, unsuccessfully so.

The heat, this unfamiliar feeling, was slowly but steadily dripping down into his guts like sand from an hourglass, filled his stomach and didn't stop there.

It wasn't a bad sensation but definitely an overwhelming one for the young soul. He could feel Shunsui's breath on his neck.

Then, in one swift movement, Shunsui grabbed Jūshirō's jaw with the hand that wasn't tangled in white hair right now, and turned his head.

Grey eyes met green ones.

A spark.

When Shunsui's lips touched his, Jūshirō's world lit up.

Now there was a fire raging inside of him, kindled by the warmest hue of grey; a fire nothing would ever be able to extinguish.


	11. The Deity of Thousand Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nightmare again. Or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following night...

»Who is he?«

 

»Who?«

 

»What did he do to you?«

 

Jūshirō opened his eyes and found himself in a dark room, barely able to see. The walls seemed to be made of liquid; viscous black was dripping down.

The white-haired figured right away that he was dreaming despite feeling very awake at the moment; there had been similar scenarios in the past, a familiar voice and the dark ink.

This time, however, there was an ominous black sphere hovering in the middle of the room; Jūshirō took a few careful steps forward to examine the foreign object.

He reached out to touch it and got startled when the sphere began to turn, revealing a single, white eye.

Its black pupil was spinning until it suddenly focussed him and narrowed as if a ray of light had struck it.

»There you are« the voice said, not with its usual calm but with excitement; Jūshirō assumed it must be the spherical eye talking to him, yet the voice seemed to originate from somewhere behind the walls. It roared and echoed through the black room.

»You're scared of me« the voice then noted; »don't be. Nothing is further from my mind than the intention of hurting you, white child. But if you feel uncomfortable about my appearance – «

On an instant the sphere started to spawn black hands, more and more, expanding in size at that; it formed itself a body from the arm-like outgrowths, pitch-black and of human shape.

When it was done, a thousand eyes, spread all across its body, opened at once; again their pupils circled round and round until they found their focus.

They all stared at Jūshirō who felt even more uneasy than he had before.

»Who are you?« he decided to ask, reminding himself of the fact that this was just a dream – a lucid one, but still a dream – where nothing bad could happen to him, though he remained apprehensive, unwilling to trust the black figure and the voice.

»Who am I, you're asking? I'm surprised you don't know, white child. I've been living in here for almost as long as you have existed after all.«

It dawned on Jūshirō; so he had been right assuming the god was able to talk to him through his dreams. Never before had he experienced it so consciously.

»Mimihagi-sama« he whispered.

The voice burst into laughter so loud Jūshirō had to cover his ears.

When the laughter had ceased, the black god apologised. »I did not mean to scare you. I am just excited to finally be able to talk to you, to face you… I have waited for so long. It seems you're getting closer.«

Jūshirō understood virtually nothing of what Mimihagi had just said. There were many things he wanted to ask the deity, but he decided for the next best thing. »Closer to what?« he inquired.

The voice just claimed »you will soon understand. It doesn't matter now. I want you to answer my question.«

At that, the black figure began to move, slowly creeping towards Jūshirō until there was barely any space between them.

Instinctively, Jūshirō backed off; in vain, because the figure immediately closed the gap again.

Black hands grabbed him and a thousand pupils were dancing in their white holes. Jūshirō could tell the figure was excited beyond measure. It pulled his hair and kosode, dug its fingers into his skin, touched every inch of him.

»Now tell me« the voice demanded, »who he is.«

Still Jūshirō didn't understand. »Who?« he therefore asked again, trying hard not to lose his composure.

This time, Mimihagi felt like explicating. »The one that came too close.«

Now Jūshirō made an effort to struggle free from the unwanted grip. »You're the one that's coming too close« he answered back, and much to his surprise, Mimihagi let go of him immediately.

»Didn't you say you were with me ever since? So wouldn't you know who he is, then?« Jūshirō asked.

»No« was Mimihagi's answer, »that is not how it works. My consciousness is confined to your inner world. I cannot directly see through your eyes, but I can sense the auras surrounding you and read what you are feeling. Given the feelings are strong enough to rock your inner world, that is. So what was this earthquake?«

Jūshirō knew what he was referring to. For a second he got hypnotised by the pupils' movement, then he answered. »He's my best friend. Shunsui. He… came close, yes.«

The voice sounded a sharp hiss. »Your friend? Why would he threaten you? Why did you not fend him off?«

Jūshirō was confused by the question. »Why would I do that? I… it's not that I didn't like it, and it definitely didn't feel like a threat…« he tentatively admitted, noticing how just the faintest memory caused the fire to flare up again.

Then it clicked.

»To you it must have felt like I was experiencing terror« Jūshirō figured based on Mimihagi's earlier statements; it had felt like that to himself as well for a second, he remembered.

_Like a free fall_.

»Mortal terror« Mimihagi corrected him.

Jūshirō had to laugh; a sign of life that sparked the black figure's overexcitement again; once more the pupils went wild and the hands jolted up to touch him again, more gently this time.

After a while of mindlessly feeding on the sound of laughter he had enjoyed to hear, Mimihagi noted »you are making fun of me for I am unable to comprehend your emotions. Fair enough. I've been learning from you all along, but a feeling like this has never occurred before. There has been suffering and pain, discontent and unease, fear and anger… thrill at times… but nothing comparable to this.«

Jūshirō had to agree with him. He had definitely never experienced anything like this ever before. »It's a positive emotion« he briefly elaborated, »nothing to be concerned about. He'd never hurt me.«

Then, all of a sudden, Jūshirō felt a strong pressure, a sensation of getting pulled backwards like a metal man towards a magnet.

»It's time for you to return« Mimihagi drily noted, »you're still not fit to stay here for long after all.«

The black started to fade out, turning grey, then white.

Jūshirō closed his eyes.

»Just one more thing, my beloved white child« the voice reverberated, »bear in mind that I can easily kill him. If he ever dares to hurt you, I shall end his life.«

 

Jūshirō woke with a start. Cold sweat was running down his face. He sat up and looked to the other side of the room to make sure Shunsui was still fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your kind reviews, kudos and comments!


	12. Painkiller

»Again!« Yamamoto shouted.

Jūshirō stared at the floor beneath him for a second and then forced himself to stand up; his wrist was aching from constantly having to cushion his falls.

As his mentor demanded, he once again launched an attack, Zanpakutō raised and hell-bent on finally scoring a hit.

Again he remained unsuccessful.

Sharp pain followed the brief wave of disappointment; Jūshirō stumbled and dropped his sword in order to cover the gaping wound on his shoulder Yamamoto had just inflicted on him.

Shunsui immediately jumped to his feet to tend to him, but Jūshirō just pushed him away.

He was getting frustrated, having watched Shunsui's training fight with their mentor earlier on; in his opinion, his best friend had fared much better than he did right now. Shunsui didn't manage to get cut by Ryūjin Jakka after all.

»Back off« Yamamoto said, sending Shunsui away with a sweeping gesture of his arm, »haven't you been taught not to interrupt a battle?«

Jūshirō silently agreed with the old man; as swordsmen they took pride in one-on-one battles, and having somebody come to aid was nothing more than an insult, evidence of one's incapabilities. This had been one of the first lessons they had learned during zanjutsu training.

»And you! Why would you drop your weapon? That's your death sentence!« To prove his point, Yamamoto proceeded to attack his student again despite Jūshirō not having picked up his sword again just yet.

The white-haired managed to dodge, but now his Zanpakutō was entirely out of reach, lying to the feet of an angered Yamamoto.

»I'm sorry« Jūshirō panted; he noticed how the air was getting thin, or, more accurately, how his lungs refused to take in the oxygen.

 _Not right now, please_.

»Come on! What are you going to do now? Imagine this is a real fight, what would you do?«

Jūshirō gasped for air; the pain in his shoulder was starting to spread and his entire right arm began to throb. Still he was determined to prove his worth. A quick glance to the side, where Shunsui had reluctantly sat down again, was more than enough reassurance.

Then he put out his arms, hands open wide, and launched a red ball of energy directly at Yamamoto, who, caught by the surprise attack, was forced to jump backwards.

Within the split second the distraction tactic had bought him, Jūshirō jumped into a forward roll and managed to retrieve his sword.

The payback followed instantly – Yamamoto struck down from above with his own Zanpakutō, and even though Jūshirō managed to block, the sheer force of the attack crushed him.

Blinded by the impending problem of lacking oxygen, Jūshirō heard something crack; for a second he allowed himself to hope it had just been the wooden floor splintering beneath him, but then another surge of pain flooded his body.

 _My ankle_. The pain was mind-numbing.

Jūshirō forced his body to move, expecting another attack right away, but it didn't come. When he could see clearer again, he realised Yamamoto had sheathed his sword in the meantime.

The sight of his mentor turning his back on him crushed Jūshirō even more so than the previous attack had; he felt shame creeping up his insides, tingeing his face red and bringing tears to his eyes.

»That's enough« Yamamoto then calmly said, »I want you to go see a medic. We'll continue tomorrow, same time and place.« Then he left the dōjō without looking back.

»Do you want me to accompany you?« Shunsui asked while offering a hand to his injured friend; the white-haired, however, pushed him away again and tried to get up on his own.

Ignoring the pain in his ankle, Jūshirō wordlessly rushed off as fast and as graceful as he could, given his current physical condition.

Shunsui was mindful enough not to follow him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The healer didn't ask any questions and fixed his body in no time. Jūshirō didn't mention the sting he was feeling in his lungs so there would be no need to stay any longer than absolutely necessary.

When he left the building, he noticed how cold it had gotten; the night sky was overcast by heavy clouds.

As he stood on the porch, scanning the sky for the light of the moon, the full weight of his failure hit him.

Frustration, shame and disappointment merged and left nothing but blind anger. _Why? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak? Why? I can't even breathe properly_.

The overwhelming emotion twisted his insides; Jūshirō gripped the fabric of his robe, crushing it as a substitute for what he was unable to touch.

_I'll tear it out. I'll just tear you out of my chest. Why do you keep hurting?_

As an ironic response, his lungs sent another surge of pain through his entire body; Jūshirō let himself slump forward, finding purchase on the cold, wooden banister in front of him. He held onto it for a while, trying to catch his breath and calm himself.

This kind of anger was most familiar to him; he remembered gazing out of his room's window to watch his siblings run around and play in the garden, cheering and laughing… it had hurt so much, and it was exactly the same right now.

He remembered how he had hated them, how he had hated his parents for locking him up in his room, how there was full-blown envy numbing his senses, and eventually how he came to hate himself for harbouring such ill, unreasonable feelings towards his own family.

They weren't at fault after all.

It had happened again today, Jūshirō realised, even though he had promised himself back then to never give in to these feelings again. He had displaced his anger onto Shunsui, who was physically stronger than him and perfectly healthy, and who hadn't given Yamamoto any reason to be disappointed in him.

He had meant well trying to help him, and he shouldn't have pushed him away like this; now Shunsui knew he wasn't only weak on the outside, but inside too… again, Jūshirō's entire world crashed and burned.

 _He won't want to be with me any more… my friend, my home, my everything…_ Jūshirō let himself slump down, his forehead resting on the cold wood; he felt tears creep into his eyes which he quickly blinked away.

It wasn't seemly for a man to cry, and especially not over a pathetic emotion such as self-pity.

Jūshirō decided to pull himself together and straightened himself, then harshly wiped away the remains of tears from his eyes.

He would simply have to try harder. Much harder. And he'd have to apologise to Shunsui, too.

When he turned around he noticed he was being watched.

 _She_.

Jūshirō's eyes widened in horror. How long had she been standing there? Had she watched the whole display of misery and weakness he had just allowed himself to give in to?

For some reason he wasn't able to feel her reiatsu this time.

She didn't say a word, nor did she move or show any visible signs of emotion; Jūshirō was unsure how to react. He felt thoroughly humiliated – the fact that she had possibly witnessed his entire breakdown was adding insult to injury.

Much to his surprise she suddenly approached him, slowly drawing closer, step by step, until she stood too close for comfort.

Then she reached out with her hand, gently placing it on the centre of his chest; Jūshirō let it happen, stunned by the unexpected gesture. As she touched him, he felt the full force of her aura raining down on him.

Still it was heavy and unsettling, yet he could feel no malicious intent whatsoever this time.

Her touch took the pain in his lungs away, more and more the longer her fingers rested there, and Jūshirō understood. _She's healing my insides_.

Of course he was aware that this would not last, but for now he wanted to embrace the unexpected freedom from pain. He was finally able to breathe normally again, inhaling and exhaling deeply, over and over.

When she carefully drew her hand away, the feeling of ease remained.

»Thank you« Jūshirō quietly said; Unohana just smiled at him and stepped back, then turned around and left him standing there, mesmerised and confused.


	13. Prodigies

Shunsui didn't welcome him when Jūshirō returned to their room. He was pretending to be asleep; Jūshirō noticed but was thankful for his friend's empathy. No way he would have been able to explain himself right now.

Instead, Jūshirō just lay down as well and pulled the blanket over his head entirely.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day Shunsui was as cheerful as ever, cracked jokes with their fellows and treated Jūshirō no different than usual. When class was over and they were already preparing for special training with Yamamoto again, Jūshirō took Shunsui aside.

»Ahm, about what happened yesterday…« he began, but Shunsui immediately interrupted him. »Ah, let's just forget about that. It's nothing.«

Jūshirō, however, knew he wouldn't be able to make peace with it unless he properly apologised. »No, it's not. I'm embarrassed about my behaviour and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You just meant to be helpful, I realise that now, and I was unnecessarily rude to you. So I apologise. And I also apologise for the weakness I displayed, it won't happen again.«

When he was finished, he bowed down to lend weight to his words. Shunsui seemed baffled. »Uh, okay« he said, »if you feel better now… but I still don't see the problem. You fought well, and Yama-ji was clearly being extra-hard on us yesterday. That kidō trick was quite clever, too, as far as I'm concerned.«

»Thank you« Jūshirō said when he bobbed up again; he was determined to prove himself today, not only to Shunsui but also to Yamamoto, and try harder.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The old man, however, had different plans for them this evening. »I want you to meditate« he announced when his special students entered the dōjō.

Shunsui, outspoken as he was, immediately asked why; judging from his voice Jūshirō could tell he had been looking forward to a fight.

It seemed he wasn't the only one eager to prove himself.

»Well« Yamamoto explained, »as you know, superb fighting skills and powerful reiatsu aren't the only things necessary to reach a higher level of enlightenment. As shinigami, we do not only have to train our bodies, but also need to educate and bring balance to our souls. This can only be achieved through mindful meditation. I want to teach you a technique to advance into your centre. So take a seat and place your weapons on top of your laps.«

Jūshirō and Shunsui both wordlessly came after the instruction; Jūshirō wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not – training the soul did sound interesting, yet at the same time he knew he wasn't in touch with his centre at all.

He remembered his latest nightmare, the black ink and the thousand hands and eyes, and wondered whether this technique would enable him to speak to Mimihagi whenever he pleased.

»Now close your eyes« Yamamoto went on, sitting down in front of them to demonstrate, »and synchronise your breathing with your heartbeats. Slow and steady. Try to let your thoughts run freely. No hurry, take your time. Listen to your own breathing.«

Jūshirō rather listened to Shunsui's; the sound of it never failed to soothe him. As the room filled with silence, his thoughts slipped away.

»Imagine a place where you are comfortable« Yamamoto calmly said, his dark voice unusually soft.

Jūshirō thought of the field Shunsui had taken him to a while ago, tried to remember the sunset, the soft grass, the heat coming from the person next to him…

»Now imagine there is a door. It's there, right in front of you. Can you see it? Open it. Slowly.«

Both Shunsui and Jūshirō simultaneously gasped for air and opened their eyes. Two strong flames of reiatsu had flared up at once, startling their originators and breaking the trance.

Yamamoto nodded. »Good, very good. Well done. I didn't expect it to work out right away, that is very impressive« he applauded them; Shunsui turned to Jūshirō to exchange glances.

Neither of them understood what had just happened.

»This technique offers a relatively easy access to your inner worlds« Yamamoto then explained, »but of course it can only work when the soul has reached a certain level of maturity. In other words, it's also a test to see if a person is ready.«

Shunsui looked awestruck, much like Jūshirō felt as well.

Their inner worlds? But wouldn't this mean…

»I am convinced you will be able to achieve shikai soon. Your prowess in fight, your reiatsu levels and your kidō skills are up to par. You've both been doing exceedingly well during our private lessons, much better than you should, being as young and inexperienced as you are. But I expect nothing less of the two of you; I hand-picked you for a reason after all.«

Jūshirō swallowed; even though he was looking forward to what was to come he felt as if a heavy weight had just been placed on his shoulders.

»I want you to meditate the way I just showed you every evening before you go to sleep. It works even better if you have exhausted your body beforehand, so I suggest you first engage in some sparring or strength training« Yamamoto then said.

»Aye, won't you be training us any longer, Yama-ji?« Shunsui wondered.

Jūshirō silently agreed their mentor's statements had sounded like he was about to have them go on all by themselves.

»I will be busy during the next week,« Yamamoto answered, »as there are more pressing matters demanding my attention. I'm certain you will be fine on your own for a while.«

Jūshirō nodded diligently; the experience had fuelled him, he would try again right away as soon as he got home, hoping to be able to live up to Yamamoto's expectations, and he was sure Shunsui was feeling the same way about it.

As much as he was looking forward to achieving shikai, there was even greater apprehension he felt thinking about finally being able to enter his inner world.

The desire pulling him towards the unknown place still hadn't ceased.

Also, Jūshirō hadn't failed to acknowledge the praise Yamamoto had bestowed on them – maybe Shunsui was right saying their mentor had just been extra-hard on them of late.

Howsoever, Jūshirō was relieved and happy about the fact that Yamamoto didn't seem to be too disappointed in him after all. It made the shame Jūshirō still felt about the incident easier to bear.

»Very well, that is all for today. Feel free to use the dōjō to meditate a little more, or to train, the evening's still young.«

Shunsui and Jūshirō looked at each other after Yamamoto had left; they both knew this was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading and reviewing, your comments are making me very happy!


	14. Pluviophile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, everyone - I just had to toss in some fluff right before the action starts. Hope you don't mind!

It was cold outside and the sky was clad in grey. The thick patches of fog that had covered Seireitei the entire morning like a ghostly veil had been washed away by the rain.

Jūshirō sat in front of the window, covered by a blanket and with a cup of tea in his hands, and watched the soft, pearly strings hit the glass.

There was nothing more soothing and beautiful to him than the rain; ever since he had been a small boy he had loved to listen to the sound, to smell the clean air, to feel the gentle water on his skin. It carried a sense of freedom for him.

Back then he hadn't been allowed outside with weather like this, as his mother had always been scared he'd catch a chill, or worse.

So during the rare times he had managed to sneak outside nonetheless, he had experienced utter happiness.

 

Being absorbed in his thoughts, Jūshirō didn't notice Shunsui's gaze which had been firmly focussed on him the entire time.

The same way the white-haired was watching the rain, Shunsui was watching him.

After a while, Shunsui decided to break the silence. »Do you want to go sit outside?« he asked, and received a joyful smile in return. 

He helped Jūshirō carry the blanket as they made their way to the roofed front porch, getting comfortable there. Jūshirō let Shunsui take a seat first as he always did, in order to be mindful not to get too close. 

The brown-haired, however, felt some closeness was appropriate; it was chilly after all, and there was nothing wrong with sharing the blanket. 

He moved close as soon as Jūshirō had sat down, too, and made an effort to cover his friend. 

After a while he decided to place his arm around Jūshirō's shoulders; there was no soul around that could have possibly seen them, with everybody hiding from the rain and the cold. 

It was a comfortable position to be in, and after a few minutes Jūshirō dared to lean against his friend's shoulder. 

Needless to say his heart was pounding in his chest as if he was about to jump off a cliff, but he tried his best not to have Shunsui notice. 

Heat quickly made its way through his entire body until the fire filled him out entirely and eventually got to his head; once again he found himself unable to think straight. 

The sensation reminded him of a fever. 

Shunsui shifted, turning his head and body a little more to have Jūshirō lean against the crook of his arm so his hand was free. He used it to caress his friend's white hair the way he knew they both enjoyed. 

Carefully he let the smooth strands glide through his hand, wrapping them around his fingers before letting go and starting anew. 

»Shiro-chan?« he said after a while of mindlessly playing with the other one's hair. 

»Hm?«

»You really should grow your hair out.«


	15. The Island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Close your eyes  
> Let's forget again  
> As you drag me down  
> I will take you in  
> My reflection  
> Will slowly fade  
> To another time  
> Until my head escapes...
> 
> \- The Island, Pendulum

There was a storm building in the skies above, grey clouds gathered at a rapid pace and formed a dark ring right above a cluster of round, white rocks surrounded by nothing but the black sea.

It wasn't raining just yet, but the clouds seemed close to their breaking point; there was thunder to be heard somewhere in the distance and the electrified air was sending shivers down Jūshirō's spine.

He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, he found himself standing on the rocks he had just watched from afar.

The soft stones were smooth beneath his bare feet and glistened with a layer of white sand. Despite the approaching storm above him the air wasn't cold in the slightest and felt comfortable when it filled his lungs.

There was a peculiar feeling building inside of him – the warm, cosy sensation that takes over when you're finally at home.

Jūshirō embraced the wonderful feeling and the blessed mood it put him in. He was genuinely happy.

»Come closer« a familiar voice spoke to him, and this time Jūshirō saw no reason to be apprehensive or afraid, and walked up the white rocks, slowly, calmly, enjoying the sensation of smooth, warm sand caressing his feet.

Atop the rocks he found a single, black tree, entirely bare and with a weather-beaten bark; Jūshirō couldn't stop himself from touching it, exploring the rough texture as a pleasant contrast to the softness of the sand.

Then he noticed something even more remarkable – to the other end of the small island that seemed to be located in the middle of nowhere, there were two small, humanoid silhouettes bustling about; he could also hear them cheer.

Children. Jūshirō's curiosity was piqued.

He wasted no time and made his way down to the shore again, slowly so he wouldn't startle the little ones. Upon drawing closer, he could see white tufts of hair peaking out from under the pointed, blue caps they were wearing.

They kept playing with what looked like fans, enthusiastically waving them in tune with the wind, scaring up the fish.

It didn't take long for them to notice their visitor; their already cheerful faces lit up even more so when they realised who it was, and, much to Jūshirō's surprise, the two boys jumped right at him, embracing him with all their love.

»You're finally here!« one of them then said, with the other one adding »the black man kept saying we'd meet you soon, but you kept us waiting for so long!«

Jūshirō gently patted their backs and straightened himself to face them properly. Two sets of bright green eyes looked at him from below; Jūshirō felt his heart melt a little at the sight. They reminded him of his siblings at home.

»We've got something for you!« one of the twins announced and both of them simultaneously lifted the fans they were carrying. »Take them« the other twin said, and Jūshirō came after the demand right away.

When his hands were firmly wrapped around the wood, something surprising happened – the fans started to transform in a shimmer of light blue energy that, as soon as it ceased, revealed two straight, sharp blades that were connected to each other by a firm, red rope. Silvery applications were threaded on the rope, reflecting a non-existent source of light.

»We're yours now!« one twin cryptically said, and then both of them turned around and rushed off towards the water, blowing up the sand as they ran.

The two boys proceed to play with the fish that were drawing their circles beneath the surface, this time without their fans, while they were singing, or rather reciting the verse of a chant.

Oh waves, rise now and become my shield. Oh lightning, strike now and become my blade. Over and over again.

Jūshirō, trapped in a trance by the solemn sound of their voices, remembered something.

»Hey!« he shouted, and, as the twins turned around again, stopping their singsong, asked »who are you? What is your name? Do you know, can you tell me?«

The two boys started to laugh; »but of course we can tell you!«

Jūshirō smiled.

»We're your sword spirits, we're Sōgyo no Kotowari!«

Jūshirō closed his eyes and repeated the name several times, afraid he would forget about it as soon as he'd wake up.

When he opened his eyes again the two children were gone.

»It's magnificent,« he though heard a familiar voice say instead, and quickly turned around to face its owner.

There it was, the black figure he had met before in a dream, but this time its thousand eyes were closed, with the exception of a single one sitting in the middle of his forehead.

The black man, as the sword spirits had called him.

»Your inner world. There couldn't possibly be a more appropriate place to spend an eternity in.«

Jūshirō wasn't sure whether Mimihagi was being sarcastic or truthful; there weren't any facial expressions he could read, no shift in the tone of his voice.

The thought got lost as soon as Mimihagi continued to speak.

»They're truly impatient little fellows, Sōgyo no Kotowari. Been pestering me about your arrival, wanting to know when they could finally meet you. Oh, they're almost as excited as I am to finally be able to face you and show your inner world to you. You, my beloved white child, the centre of my universe.«

As Mimihagi spoke these strangely tender words, Jūshirō experienced a familiar feeling once again, the sensation of strong desire or longing, the one that had always accompanied the thoughts about his inner world.

And he realised it hadn't been his own feelings but Mimihagi's, strong enough to make him believe that they were his so naturally he hadn't even questioned them.

»Do you like it here?« Mimihagi asked.

»I feel at home« Jūshirō truthfully answered; Mimihagi was right in calling this an appropriate place, for it was most definitely, most characteristically his, the very essence of his soul poured into a single space.

Calm and soft, but with a storm slowly gathering; a vast yet untapped amount of pure energy ready to erupt.

»Promise me« Mimihagi spoke up again, »to visit me again in time. Promise me, don't make me wait for too long.«

Jūshirō promised.

 

Then everything fell dark.


	16. From the Inside

Shunsui was sitting under a tree, leaning against the trunk and idly staring at the foliage. The gentle wind was playing with the single leaves it had torn off the branches while Shunsui's gaze followed their dance.

The spectacle was almost hypnotising and made him feel drowsy, ready to take a nap.

Before Shunsui could drift into sleep, however, a white figure came into sight; Jūshirō approached his best friend and sat down next to him.

»There you are« he said with the softest smile on his lips; if it hadn't been for Jūshirō's exceptional sensory skills with regard to reiatsu, Shunsui was convinced he'd have a much harder time keeping track of him. 

The brown-haired liked to laze around remote places where it was peaceful and silent; Jūshirō's presence only added to his feelings of comfort and ease. 

»Finally done with kidō practice?« Shunsui asked, sitting up straight to face his friend. 

»Wouldn't have done any harm for you to join me in practising« Jūshirō answered with one of his thick eyebrows raised; there was an overtone of soft reproach in his voice that made Shunsui laugh. 

By now he was used to the white-haired mildly scolding him for neglecting his training, but Shunsui saw no reason to pour any more effort in than absolutely necessary. 

According to his performance in class and during private training it seemed to be more than enough after all. 

And the last days had been turbulent, so of course he needed some recreation to compensate. 

»You didn't ask me to join« Shunsui noted with a shrug and crossed his arms behind his head, watching thick rain clouds approach. 

For now the sun was still showing its bright face to the world, but it wouldn't last. 

»Well« Jūshirō readied an explanation, getting more comfortable as well, »I had a feeling you'd rather spend some time alone. And I wasn't wrong, no? There's been a lot to think about lately.« 

Shunsui closed his eyes for a second to recall the images that had occupied his head the entire day, and then nodded. »I'd like for Yama-ji to finally return from whatever mission he's on, so I can show him my shikai. It's clumsy and still in its infancy, but it's a shikai. I wonder how many second graders can say that about themselves« he said. 

The two friends hadn't discussed the matter among themselves yet either, but despite having needed some time to reflect upon it, Shunsui was now eager to share his experience. 

Jūshirō had seemed distant over the last few days, too, so Shunsui had gladly left him the space he himself had needed as well; facing him now was refreshing and let his excitement about the matter grow even more so. 

With Jūshirō, however, there was always a sense of heaviness, gloom even, so Shunsui had come to notice – right now he was smiling reassuringly, but Shunsui could tell there were sinister thoughts hidden beneath his pristine facade. 

_ Why are you always so worried, my dear? Are you still scared you're not good enough? _

»So…« Shunsui therefore decided to lure him out of his shell once more, »do you want to tell me about yours?« 

Jūshirō's eyes lit up for a second, then fell darker again, and Shunsui couldn't help but wonder what it was that was keeping him from being confident all the time. 

In his opinion Jūshirō had no reason to doubt himself, but the white-haired seemed to have a slightly different view on the topic. »So far I haven't been able to find out much about it, what it does and how it works… or if it has any special powers to begin with. Right now it's just two blades connected by a rope.«

»Two blades?« Shunsui wondered, »what a coincidence. I've also got two.« 

Jūshirō seemed as surprised about it as he was as well; from the various lectures about the nature of Zanpakutō they both knew that a phenomenon like a shinigami manifesting twin blades wasn't only unlikely, it was unheard of. 

»How come, I wonder« Jūshirō quietly said and Shunsui knew he was already focussing on the negative again even though there was no reason for it. 

Being special – unique – was something positive in Shunsui's world, yet he could partially understand where his best friend was coming from. Given his past, the white-haired wanted nothing more than to fit in, and Shunsui couldn't blame him for it. 

He could reassure him, though. »I'm curious about what Yama-ji will think about that. He'll be astounded for sure, we're pioneers in this instance!« 

Jūshirō went with it and smiled; »what's your sword's name?« he then asked. 

»Katen Kyōkotsu« Shunsui answered, remembering the two lovely lady spirits' faces at that.  _ Ah, what a lucky man I am _ . He proceeded to describe the spirits to Jūshirō who listened attentively and whose smile grew brighter the more information he received. 

»Seems like they suit you really well« Jūshirō said when Shunsui had finished, »it's true what we've been told, isn't it, that they're the purest representation of a person's soul.« 

Shunsui hadn't actually wasted a lot of time thinking about how much his shikai and sword spirits did or didn't suit him, but now that Jūshirō mentioned it… »I agree, they're a great match for me. One of them likes to always take centre stage, literally, and the other one likes remoteness and silence. They both seem equally sassy and cunning, though. I wonder what that says about me as a person.«

»Sounds a lot like you« Jūshirō laughed, then fell quiet. »I know it's a very personal question, but would you describe your inner world to me?« he asked after a short while of silence between them. 

»Sure, I don't mind« was Shunsui's answer; of course he would share all of it with his best friend, he saw no reason not to. 

»I woke up in a black room… thought I was dreaming at first. Then the lights switched on and I realised I was looking at some sort of huge theatre stage, with thick red curtains drawn. When they opened I saw Katen Kyōkotsu. Well, one part of her. She likes to dance and sing, taught me a chant I still remember. The other one I only noticed much later because she was sitting in the audience behind me. Red velvet seats, countless rows of them, the whole world could sit down and watch. It was quite magnificent and I can't wait to return. They're really charming and cute, both of them…« Shunsui trailed off. 

Jūshirō had started to nervously twirl a strand of white hair. »Would you… like to hear about my inner world, too?« he then sheepishly asked. 

Of course Shunsui wanted to.

»I had a similar experience as you, I believed I was dreaming as well, but then it was much different from anything I'd ever seen before and I realised how comfortable I was in this place. It felt like home to me, like I had finally arrived. It's an island in the middle of nowhere, filled with sand and white rocks, and a dark tree growing right in the middle.«

Then he told Shunsui about Sōgyo no Kotowari – the twin boys – and how much joy they had brought him; he smiled, yet Shunsui noticed how his eyes didn't follow.

»Well that sounds wonderful! What's troubling you, though?« the brown-haired therefore felt the need to ask.

Jūshirō swallowed, and Shunsui was amused by the fact that the white-haired still had no idea he could read him like an open book. He was unable to hide his emotions, they always resonated in his huge green eyes.

»Troubling me? Nothing! Ahm… well« Jūshirō mumbled, bringing his hand to his hair again, »there was somebody else waiting for me in my inner world.«

»Who?«

»Mimihagi-sama. I told you about him, remember? It wasn't the first time I've ever seen him in person, given he's an actual person to begin with, but still the impact his presence had on me was much greater than before. I can still feel it right now, his aura, his longing… all of it.« 

Now Shunsui understood Jūshirō's inhibitions about the matter; it must be unsettling to share your body and mind with another. 

»I'm not sure what exactly he is or what he really looks like, but he manifested himself a body, all black, no face, with a thousand eyes and hands. And he seems to be fond of me for some reason« Jūshirō kept explaining. 

Shunsui flashed an encouraging smile. »Isn't it a good thing he likes you?« 

Jūshirō didn't seem to agree. »I'm not sure quite yet. I'm still trying to make sense of certain things he said. I've had nightmares before in which I met him, but I'm still not able to figure out his true intentions.« 

For a minute Shunsui thought about what he had just heard, and then came to the conclusion that Jūshirō was once again way too worried and insecure about something that should actually fill him with pride. 

There wasn't any other soul in the entire Soul Society that could call themselves the vessel of a god after all, was there? 

And this god, as quirky and enigmatic as he might be, was still an incredibly powerful being that had chosen him, and just him. 

»I'm sure he's benevolent« Shunsui therefore appeased his friend, »or otherwise he wouldn't have saved your life back then, would he?« 

Jūshirō shrugged. »You know, Shunsui… there's something I wanted to– « the white-haired started to speak but got interrupted by a sudden movement of Shunsui's. 

Two thick rain drops had hit his face. 

»Too bad, it's starting to rain again« Shunsui noted, holding out the palm of his hand to catch some more drops. Jūshirō got up as well since the rain quickly got heavier. By now the sky was overcast by heavy, grey clouds. 

»Then let's return to the barracks?« Jūshirō suggested. Shunsui agreed; »yes, I really want to tell the others about our progress! They're going to be so jealous.« 

Of course he noticed that Jūshirō had tried to tell him something important right there, and planned to ask him about it as soon as they'd be back in their room.

There, however, Shunsui had already forgotten about it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for commenting and following my story! Do you think this inner world suits Shunsui?


	17. Of Fire and Water

Training with shikai was entirely different from what Shunsui and Jūshirō had done before, it didn't feel like simple sparring but like a real fight.

Neither of them had yet discovered what special abilities their shikai came with, but the sheer force of the attacks was already far greater than what they were used to.

Furthermore, now there were two blades to be minded instead of just one. By now Jūshirō understood why Yamamoto hadn't held back during private training and had tried to push them beyond their limits.

The two students were fighting in the middle of a remote field where they didn't need to worry about their unleashed reiatsu disturbing anybody.

It looked like rain the way it always did of late – the moody weather of a typical autumn.

Jūshirō didn't mind; he enjoyed the rain and the chilly breeze accompanying it, finding it was just the perfect setting for a fight. Somewhere in the distance there was a storm approaching, he could feel it long before his eyes were able to see it.

Shunsui's movements became slow and lazy after a while, the way they always would when he was losing interest and got bored.

Jūshirō adapted to the change of pace; he had lost all sense of time but wasn't feeling tired in the least.

For a moment it looked like they were dancing with each other; then Shunsui froze entirely. »Can you feel it?« he asked and Jūshirō immediately nodded.

»There's electricity in the air« he confirmed, and added »do you want to call it a day and go home?«

To his surprise, Shunsui shook his head and approached him; as he lowered his weapons they shifted back into their normal state. Jūshirō concealed his Zanpakutō as well.

»It's a pretty sight« Shunsui then explained, gazing at the sky behind them, »to watch a storm approach, don't you think so?«

The white-haired fully agreed but was still unsure of what his friend was going for.

»Don't you want to stay here for a little longer and witness the spectacle?« Shunsui specified. Without waiting for an answer, he sat down in the grass, cross-legged, and patted the space next to him as a silent invitation for Jūshirō to take a seat as well.

Jūshirō didn't hesitate.

For a while they just sat there in silence and watched as the dark grey clouds drew closer and closer. When the first bolt of lighting struck, Jūshirō felt excitement flare up inside of him.

Shunsui's mind, however, was already somewhere else. »It's gotten longer« he whispered while his hand found its way to Jūshirō's hair the way it always did at some point when they were spending time together of late.

»I took your comment into consideration« Jūshirō said, »about growing it out. My sisters told me before but I thought they'd just want to play hairdresser and wouldn't stop pestering me once they got what they wanted, so I kept cutting it.«

He chuckled about the memory and then quietly added »also I was afraid of it looking… too feminine.«

»You're a very handsome man« was all Shunsui had to say about Jūshirō's concern.

The compliment didn't fail to send a shiver down Jūshirō's spine; by now he was used to his body's reaction to these kinds of statements, but only when coming from Shunsui.

Others had applauded him for his talent and even for his looks at times, yet then Jūshirō had managed to remain fairly confident and react appropriately, just said _thank_ _you_ and moved on.

With Shunsui it seemed to be a different matter. His thoughts slowed down, his guts started tingling and a blush began to creep over his entire face.

_He thinks I'm handsome. He really does_. Jūshirō had to remind himself to breathe.

Shunsui next to him started to laugh. »You like it when I say things like that« he then noted, poking Jūshirō's flushed cheek with his index finger.

There was no denying it.

»Ah… I haven't really been told before, that's all« Jūshirō quickly defended himself, eliciting another laugh from Shunsui.

» _That's all_ , I see. You're so shy with me sometimes, do you even notice that? You're not like that with other people, you're always so unburdened and easygoing when we're with our friends, but lately, when it's just the two of us, you seem uncomfortable. Why is that, I wonder? Am I doing something wrong?«

Jūshirō was surprised about Shunsui's sudden openness; they had never really talked about their feelings before and Shunsui hadn't brought up the kiss that happened a while ago either. Jūshirō had almost dismissed the incidence already as one of his best friend's drunk shenanigans, and wasn't even sure he remembered it ever happened.

On the other hand… Shunsui was always so easily able to tell what he was thinking and feeling that Jūshirō was convinced he must have realised at some point what was going on.

So far Jūshirō had been thankful for Shunsui's lack of acknowledgement regarding the matter because he was scared of his reaction.

»Uhm« he began to explain himself, »please don't misunderstand. You're not doing anything wrong, but… but… I don't know how to express myself in this regard. The things you do and what you say… make me feel like I've got a fever. In a positive way, though.«

Shunsui laughed heartily about the answer. »A fever? Oh boy, now that's a strange description. There've been people telling me I'm charming, or enticing, attractive maybe, but that's new to me.«

Jūshirō felt he had described the feeling quite accurately; just in this very moment the exact sensation overwhelmed him once more.

»I'm not saying you're… ahm, well, of course you're att– I mean, it's a positive feeling. Honestly! I just don't know what to make of it or how to react, it's… stunning me. But I can't really do anything about it, much less act upon it, because I'm just – «

»Afraid?«

»Yes. Very much so.« Once again Shunsui's perceptiveness caught the white-haired off-guard, yet he was glad he had taken the word out of his mouth and said it himself.

»Don't be« Shunsui smiled, and Jūshirō noticed how he was moving closer; his heart sped up.

»There's no reason to be afraid. It's just the two of us. Just you and I.«

Clear grey eyes met his and stared right into his soul, spread warmth and comfort and at the same time kindled a flame.

A flame that was slowly turning into a wildfire.

»Do you like me, Shiro-chan?« Shunsui went one better; Jūshirō felt like he was about to faint. This wasn't happening to him, was it? To him of all people?

The only thing that managed to convince him he wasn't dreaming were the drops of rain that had started to fall and were now softly hitting him. He almost expected them to vaporise as soon as they touched his skin because he felt heated up, his insides were seething.

»Ahm…« was all he managed to come up with. Shunsui laughed again, now with a new overtone entirely unfamiliar to Jūshirō.

Something dark and dirty.

»So… would you, perhaps, like to kiss me again?«

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jūshirō felt like he was floating even though his robes were soaked and heavy; the rain was freezing cold yet all he felt was the heat radiating from the body on top of him, and the softness of Shunsui's lips on his.

Thunder was rumbling so loud it made him go deaf for a second every time he heard it, and fast flashes of lightning embraced the darkening world in light every once in a while.

The skin of Shunsui's arms was hot against the sides of his face as the other entwined his fingers with the white hair, holding Jūshirō's head in a steady position, kissing him over and over.

Right now nothing else mattered, nothing was real except for this feeling and this person, these eyes and these hands.

_So this is what it's like to feel alive._

Jūshirō allowed himself to get lost in the overwhelming sensation, and closed his eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification - this is just some more or less harmless making-out, sorry for the artistic ambiguity :>


	18. Loving Gods

»…but she wasn't even listening to me while I told her, and of course she'd be confused and angry about it afterwards and then she kept saying _you're not a true friend to me_ and everything, and I told her to stop badmouthing me behind my back. Because that was exactly what she was doing, you know, she's just that kind of a person… – «

Jūshirō let his head fall backwards and sighed as his eyes scanned the ceiling.

The girl Shunsui had brought was a fellow student Jūshirō had only known by sight; she wasn't in their class, but she had certainly seemed nice enough for him to say something along the lines of _sure, Shunsui, feel free to bring your date, won't do any harm, will it?_

But then again, Jūshirō couldn't have guessed that she was going to talk without interruption.

Shunsui on the other hand didn't seem to mind, or to notice; his eyes were firmly set on the pretty girls huge assets and Jūshirō was sure he was already getting laid in his head.

Trying to blank out the high-pitched voice talking without end, Jūshirō glanced around the room.

It was one of those fancy bars in southern Rukongai's first district that Shunsui adored, with beautiful dark wood everywhere, and expensive-looking flower decorations. The tea they served was excellent and the room smelled like cherrywood and lemongrass.

The night definitely had the potential to become a wonderful memory if it were just him and Shunsui alone, going on a friendly date, or maybe even a proper date, but for some reason there was this girl Shunsui seemed to find worthwhile.

The entire evening long Jūshirō had carefully tip-toed around thinking too much about the feeling this entire situation gave him, but by now it had gotten so painful he could no longer ignore it.

It felt as if his heart was bound in chains, shackled and confined so that every beat was like a searing iron against his insides.

He had felt this way before, yet never had he experienced the full intensity of what he was certain about by now. _Shunsui and me. Not Shunsui and this random person. Him and me only. Isn't that what he said? Just you and I_.

Jūshirō wasn't a person that easily got angry or frustrated, but ever since he and Shunsui had started this kind of a special relationship he noticed more and more how difficult it was to stay calm and look away.

Even though he wanted to, was dying to, he could not touch him.

He couldn't place his head on his shoulder and feel his arms around him. Not in public. He would never be able to just take his hand and show everybody they belonged together, could never have a real romantic relationship with him the way Shunsui could with this girl.

Nobody would ever understand.

And Jūshirō didn't understand himself either. All he knew was that he needed this man, that he wanted to be in this girl's place right now, and that he was unfathomably jealous.

Much worse than the feeling itself was the guilt it came with; of course Jūshirō knew he had no right to think that way – for now Shunsui was his best friend, nothing more and nothing less, and he was free to date whomever he wanted to.

He was also free to bring girls whenever he liked, and to give his attention to whomever he felt deserved it the most.

Jūshirō regretted feeling the way he did, that he was outright hating the girl just because she was unknowingly sitting in his place, but for some reason he couldn't help it.

Again he scanned the room in order to find some source of distraction.

The bar was full of people, mostly upper class men and women or wealthy merchants that were enjoying themselves, and even a group of Shinigami had taken a seat just now.

Nobody bothered, nobody seemed to even notice him, Shunsui and the girl; to them they were just three random youngsters that were having some fun and nobody thought it strange that Jūshirō was, in fact, third-wheeling.

_If they noticed me they'd only think I'm a loser_. If it was him sitting in the girl's spot, everybody would be looking, Jūshirō was sure. If he was the one hugging him, with Shunsui's hands in his hair, or if he kissed him…

Jūshirō had to cough.

Shunsui, who had been absorbed in thoughts, suddenly looked up and turned away from his female counterpart who kept speaking.

»Is everything alright?« the brown-haired asked with a crooked smile on his lips; Jūshirō decided to shake his head. »I'm quite warm, I'll get some air« he then brusquely said and jumped up immediately to leave the table.

Which turned out to be a mistake, because the sudden rush of blood from his head to his feet made him black out for a short second.

Just now Jūshirō noticed how dizzy he was feeling; his palms were coated with a thin layer of fresh sweat. He thought he heard Shunsui shout after him _do you want me to come_ , but he could also just have imagined it as the sound level in the bar was too high.

He quickly made his way around the tables towards the exit, and when he stepped outside he could finally feel the cold night air.

For a while he just stood there, leaning against the banister of the bar's porch, watching the passers-by casually ambling along, but the weird feeling of vertigo wouldn't seem to fade.

All the images drifting past Jūshirō's eyes seemed to be very vivid all of a sudden, and the strong contrast was making everything he saw seem thick and lurid, unnatural and menacing.

The lines began to blur and Jūshirō was certain he would faint; using the last of his strength he took a few steps backwards and let himself slide down the building's wall until he was sitting on the hard wooden floor.

As soon as his centre touched the ground, though, reality tilted and Jūshirō saw nothing but plain black.

It reminded him of all the nightmares he had suffered through his life.

For a while it stayed like this and Jūshirō wondered whether it was some kind of twisted punishment for his base thoughts and the jealousy, but then the ink-black dripped down like sand and revealed a world well-known to him by now.

His inner world.

 

The first thing he noticed was the almost black sky, covered by heavy storm clouds; lightning was striking down and thunder was rumbling so loud it hurt his ears.

As Jūshirō quickly stepped up the sand hill he saw Sōgyo no Kotowari sitting under the single tree right in the middle, covering their ears and hugging each other.

They were visibly scared.

Without hesitation Jūshirō came running towards them, kneeled down and protectively embraced the twins. »What's happening?« he asked, hearing desperation in his own voice, »are you okay?«

One of the twins grabbed his robe and stared at him with huge green eyes, terrified. Then the little one pointed to the west. »He's angry« the other twin mentioned, »we hate when he's angry«.

Jūshirō understood immediately. »I'll have a word with him« he briefly promised and got up again, »don't be scared. It'll be over soon.«

Then he made his way down to the shore, where he could spot a black figure. As he came closer the figure kicked one of the white stones into the ocean.

»Mimihagi-sama!« Jūshirō shouted, further approaching the black god.

Mimihagi turned around, revealing just one large eye right at the place where his heart would have been located. He raised the two black arms he had manifested and the sea behind him began to churn, giant waves were drawing closer to the shore.

»Stop it!« Jūshirō demanded; how dare he scare the twins like this?

A dark laugh echoed across the island. »Stop it? You stop it. This is your fault, aren't you aware of this? These are your emotions brought to life, manifesting in a thunderstorm, not mine. It's a mere coincidence that I share these feelings right now.«

Jūshirō thought about Mimihagi's words for a second and remembered the bar, Shunsui and the girl.

Was it really because of him that his inner world was in disarray?

And why would Mimihagi feel the same?

»You're obviously fuelling the storm!« Jūshirō decided to say as he watched Mimihagi raise an arm to the sky and catch the lightning with his bare hand, only to throw it back at the ocean where the lightning bolt disappeared on the water surface.

»Not me, _him_ « was the black god's answer, »him.«

I took Jūshirō a moment to understand where Mimihagi was coming from, but then he remembered what he had said some time ago during a nightmare.

_Shunsui_.

»He's hurting you again even tough I told you I will not tolerate it« Mimihagi angrily explained, catching another bolt of light and simultaneously growing more eyes.

»He's not hurting me« Jūshirō immediately jumped to Shunsui's defence, »or at least he doesn't mean to! It's my own fault that I'm upset, not his. You're getting it all wrong again.«

Mimihagi didn't seem too excited about the explanation and rather decided to stick with his own theory.

A wave crashed against the shore and drenched Jūshirō, making him stumble backwards. Mimihagi on the other hand hadn't moved a single step despite having gotten hit full force by the mass of water.

Turning around to check on Sōgyo no Kotowari, Jūshirō noticed that they were peeking out from behind the tree, listening to the conversation with great interest.

_Well, at least they're not scared any more_.

»Stop it and listen to me« Jūshirō demanded once more; he figured that if he wanted to become a great Shinigami one day, he would definitely have to be in control of his inner world and the god living in it.

Otherwise there would be another disaster like the one years ago, during a moment of weakness…

To his surprise, Mimihagi chose to approach Jūshirō; whether he was calmer now or not couldn't be said, but Jūshirō didn't back off and allowed the black god to touch him even though it felt uncomfortable.

The fact that there were only two hands now instead of a thousand made the situation slightly more bearable. Mimihagi brought his hands to Jūshirō's face, gently cupping it and tracing his cheekbones with his thumbs.

»White child, sweet child…« the black one mumbled under his breath like a mantra; Jūshirō allowed him to proceed as it appeared to calm the raging god for some reason. »My child, my beautiful white child… why are you causing me so much trouble?«

Jūshirō swallowed. »Aren't you the one causing _me_ trouble?« he retorted; he felt the strong wish to push Mimihagi away and free himself from the unwanted yet tolerated invasion of his private sphere, but kept himself from doing so as he was sure it would only add fuel to the fire.

»If this goes on I will have to do something about it« Mimihagi then mumbled,  »I'll have to take action and – «

»No« Jūshirō immediately thwarted Mimihagi before his plans could take shape, »that's the last thing you will do. Never again. Do you hear me? This is my body. Mine, not yours. And this is my inner world, too, so stop taking out your anger in here.«

There was a long pause after Jūshirō had ended his surprisingly strong-willed little speech.

He would never allow Mimihagi to ever take action again.

»I beg to differ« Mimihagi spoke up again after a while, »and I feel the need to remind you that this is still ›your‹ body for one simple reason – _me_. I saved it. You would have perished, suffocated like a hanged rat if it hadn't been for me, do you hear me? Therefore I am entitled to claim ownership of it as well as I see fit. And this man, your so-called ›friend‹ is pushing my buttons. I shall  ki– «

»How dare you say something like that« Jūshirō quickly interrupted the god once again before he was able to finish his vile sentence, »you have no right to meddle with my life like this. Just leave me alone with my own feelings, I'll be able to sort them out in time, don't worry, but for now I demand you leave Shunsui alone. He's very important to me, in case you didn't notice yet. He's my best friend, and I love him.«

As these words left Jūshirō's lips, Mimihagi sounded a loud, guttural growl, almost like a wild animal that had been wounded.

»You love him« Mimihagi repeated, and Jūshirō noticed how his black pupils were going wild in their sockets, circling and then rolling backwards until nothing but white was left.

»Yes, I do« Jūshirō reinforced his statement, »and I expect you to do the same. He's part of me now. Love him the way you love me. Protect him like you would protect me. Please.«

Mimihagi hissed; Jūshirō could tell he didn't like what he was hearing at all.

»Please« he therefore repeated, »do it for me. Promise me. Promise you will never hurt him. No matter what.«

One last pained sound came from Mimihagi's non-existent mouth as he surrendered. Jūshirō felt relieved as he noticed the change in the god's aura, and at the same time he was glad he could control the wayward deity at least to a certain degree.

_I'm important to him. I don't know why but that's what it is. He will listen if I appeal to the feelings he has for me_.

The thought was soothing yet at the meantime also majorly unsettling.

Mimihagi didn't say anything else, but the fact that the storm was ceasing was enough of an indicator for his change of mind. Jūshirō could breathe easier again.

»Now let me return« he then said after glancing at Sōgyo no Kotowari once again who had slowly started to draw closer.

»Do you not want to stay« Mimihagi said, his voice toneless and flat.

_A wounded god. And it's my fault_.

»I'm sorry« Jūshirō apologised, overcome with a wave of guilt for making his saviour feel like this, »but I can't. I have to return, or otherwise Shun – er, they'll all be worried, and I don't feel like explaining myself to them right now.«

Without another sign of acknowledgement from Mimihagi's side, Jūshirō felt the familiar feeling of being pulled backwards, and closed his eyes. 

 

When he opened his eyes again he found himself where he had left off, sitting on the wooden floor, leaning against a wall.

It had gotten cold and immediately a shiver ran over his skin, giving him goosebumps. Jūshirō had no idea how much time had elapsed; luckily he was feeling much better now, not dizzy any more, and quickly got up to re-enter the bar.

Inside he found Shunsui still sitting next to the girl, still staring at her and pseudo-listening to what she had to say. As Jūshirō came closer to their table, he could hear the high-pitched voice again and felt the headache it caused.

Shunsui looked up.

»Oh, there you are« he just said and instantly focussed on the girl again. It was as if Jūshirō had never been gone.

And the shackles tightened again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There has been trouble with the black God in the past... stay tuned, and thank you so much for your kind comments!


	19. Lightning Rod

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in uploading this - there were so many term papers to be written that I had no inspiration left for my creative work, but now I can finally enjoy my vacation and continue this story.

Jūshirō was panting heavily as he blocked another one of Shunsui's attacks; he had agreed to act as his practice dummy for now so the brown-haired could experiment with his shikai and possibly find out more about its special abilities.

So far neither of them had made any progress in this regard, but Yamamoto, who had finally returned from a longer mission he and two of his fellow captains had been on, had simply advised them to keep training.

The two students understood that things like this took time, yet both of them were growing impatient; having tasted the tantalising increase in power they naturally strived for more.

Shunsui had told Jūshirō about his sword spirits' stubbornness – the ladies obviously enjoyed keeping as many secrets as possible from their owner, and Shunsui couldn't decide whether he found it annoying or intriguing.

Jūshirō on the other hand hadn't tried simply asking Sōgyo no Kotowari about their abilities just yet; remembering his last encounter with them he didn't feel like bothering them too soon again.

Needless to say he hadn't told Shunsui about the latest Mimihagi-incident either. He would only be worried, and causing him trouble was the last thing Jūshirō wanted.

»Alright, I give up. There's nothing happening, no matter what I try« Shunsui said after a while and lowered his blades that then shifted back into their sealed form, »and I'm pretty much exhausted by now.« 

Jūshirō didn't fail to notice the bitter overtone in his friend's voice; he sealed his sword as well, thinking about encouraging words to say so Shunsui wouldn't take it too hard. 

Even though he had a tendency to be lazy, there was still a lot of determination to be found within Shunsui, so Jūshirō had come to notice, and he took great pride in his skills as a swordsman and martial artist. 

Therefore the repeated failures wore him down, probably even more so than Jūshirō, who was well-trained in exercising patience and had experienced plenty of setbacks in his life. 

»Tomorrow's my turn to make zero progress« Jūshirō tried with a little humour since it was something Shunsui always seemed to appreciate, and added »we'll get there in time, don't beat yourself up about it.« 

Shunsui gave it a shrug and started making his way back to the barracks to get some rest; Jūshirō followed him wordlessly.

 

The following night Jūshirō found himself lying awake once again; these sleepless nights were becoming a pattern in his life for some reason.

There was just so much going through his head, countless things he wasn't able to process – Shunsui, training, class, Shunsui, shikai, meditation, Mimihagi, and especially Shunsui. 

He wanted to talk to his best friend, hear about his thoughts and feelings, and tell him what he was feeling in return. 

And he would have already done so if it wasn't for this subliminal fear that was confining him. 

_ What if he hates me after I tell him? What if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings? What if I'm getting it all wrong and this is just a game to him? Is he just experimenting? He likes girls, doesn't he? Why can't I just like girls as well? Why do I like him? What if I ruin our friendship because of these stupid feelings?  _

_ Why do I always have to be the odd one out? _

Jūshirō sleeplessly kept tossing and turning. 

His usual calming-down-mechanism didn't work any more either because listening to Shunsui's breathing was no longer soothing but filled him with a strange sort of longing. 

Right now he wanted nothing more than to slip under the covers of Shunsui's bed to feel his warmth and his soft, hot breath on his skin. 

He remembered the day they made out in the field and his body instantly reacted to the memory. 

Now these thoughts weren't helping the situation in the least, quite the contrary in fact. Jūshirō decided to distract himself rather than wasting hours trying to find sleep, and got up. 

He grabbed Sōgyo no Kotowari and, as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake up Shunsui, sneaked up to the door.

 

Once again the night sky was covered by heavy clouds; not a single star could be seen and the crescent moon had a hard time shining through the thick veil.

It wasn't raining yet but again there was a hint of electricity to be felt in the air, Jūshirō was sure he wasn't mistaken. It was autumn but never before had it rained so frequently, and he had never witnessed so many thunderstorms within such a short period of time.

He wasn't complaining as it was his preferred weather, yet at the same time it made him think; remembering Mimihagi's words Jūshirō wondered whether he was the one responsible for the moody weather in this world as well.

Jūshirō made his way up to the field on the hill where he and Shunsui normally used to train and recited his shikai command.

Then he turned his head towards the sky and waited, taking deep, slow breaths, feeling anxious yet excited for what he was planning to do now.

His last meeting with Mimihagi had given him an intriguing idea.

Jūshirō couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why he firmly believed it was going to work out just the way he imagined, all he had was a vague feeling, and of course there was always a margin for error.

Again he checked his twin blades, tracing the red cord that was connecting them with his gaze, stopping at every single one of the little silver charms that adorned it.

Jūshirō had a basic understanding of physics, vividly remembering the books he had read in his family's library during his childhood and youth, so technically it should be working as he expected it to…

Carefully he lifted one of the blades, pointing it to where the clouds were darkest, and inhaled with excitement.

_ Lightning, be my blade _ . 

A mere split second later, a bolt of lightning already responded to his call and came crashing down, entering the blade. 

Jūshirō hadn't reckoned with the enormous force of electricity and failed to control it – there was an explosion and Jūshirō was sent flying. 

The crash didn't hurt as much because the earth that cushioned it was still soft and muddy from when it had been raining earlier that day, so Jūshirō remained unscathed and was able to get up immediately again, eager to try anew. 

_ It's working. Mimihagi was catching the lightning bolts with his bare hands, and I'm able to do it as well with my blades _ . 

Now all he had to do was to master this ability of his Zanpakutō's, and somehow take advantage of it – he had no doubt about being able to turn this ability into a powerful special attack. He would only have to practise and work hard. 

Again he extended his arm to the sky and tried to catch another thunderbolt; he succeeded but once more couldn't handle the force. 

This time, however, he was aware of the pushback and took countermeasures. Performing an elegant backflip he landed securely on his feet and tried again right away. 

Jūshirō quickly realised how addicting a feeling it was to play with electricity like that, to tame and rule it; after a while he managed to fully withstand the natural force. 

His Zanpakutō functioned as a lightning rod, taking in the electricity on one end and discharging it on the other. 

The first time Jūshirō managed to actually fire off the bolt he had caught he was so surprised he forgot to look for a suitable target and simply aimed at the closest tree he saw. 

The wooden aim immediately burst into flames. 

»Bloody hell« Jūshirō swore and came running towards the fire in order to extinguish it with a kidō spell, apologising to the tree he had just destroyed. 

»I didn't mean to« he whispered as he stared at the splintered trunk and took a bow; at the same time he couldn't contain his excitement. 

He decided to change locations, looking for an area with stones and rocks so no living organism would have to suffer for his training's sake.

 

After another while of catching the lightning and firing it back, Jūshirō noticed something else – the rocks he had used as a target hadn't shown any signs of distress so far, but the one he was aiming at now suddenly burst. 

Jūshirō dodged a stone splinter that came flying towards him like a shrapnel and then scanned his Zanpakutō. 

For some reason the silver charms were glowing, flickering with a light blue shimmer. The times before it hadn't been that way, had it? 

In order to find out what was different, Jūshirō tried again, focussing on fuelling his swords with as much of his reiatsu as possible at that. 

And again he managed to destroy one of the rocks; the attack had seemed even stronger than the previous one, and the afterglow of the charms was brighter and lasted longer. 

_ Seems I somehow amplified the electricity with my reiatsu… let's see what I can do with that… _

This time Jūshirō made sure to unleash as much as possible of the reiatsu actively available to him at once as soon as the lightning entered his blade, and the impact wasn't long in coming.

The explosion that followed was so intense and extensive Jūshirō got caught full-force, but even though he would have managed to react in time, he couldn't come up with the strength necessary to counteract.

The attack had drained all of his reiatsu.

When Jūshirō opened his eyes again he lay supine; it took him a while to understand what had happened, and sharp pain was quickly spreading throughout his entire body. 

At first Jūshirō thought he had cracked his skull somehow, trying to explain the disorientation and dizziness, but when he searched his head and face for a wound with trembling hands, he only found a minor scrape on his left temple. 

No, the origin of the pain he was currently in was the centre of his chest, his lungs – he could barely breathe. 

Panic kicked in and he frantically tried to turn himself around and get up to regain at least part of the control over the situation, but his arms and legs were limp and didn't properly obey him. 

He felt thoroughly drained, unable to move and close to losing consciousness, a familiar yet scary sensation.

_ My reiatsu is gone. How careless of me _ . 

What now, he wondered; it was starting to rain again and he could do nothing else but stare at the sky and let the water drench his robes, his hair, his skin. 

Slowly his mouth filled with blood and he parted his lips to let it all run out.

_ Am I dying? _


	20. Tension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: romance and making-out...

Warmth, softness… movement… when Jūshirō opened his eyes the first thing he saw were his own hands clinging to white fabric, staining it with blood.

From somewhere far away he heard silent whimpers and took a while to realise it was him making these pathetic sounds.

He knew he was still in pain but right now it felt surreal and distant, as if his head had been packed in cotton wool and somebody was monotonously hammering against it with a rubber club.

He was completely numb.

Suddenly his body was lowered and he could feel the strangely comfortable ground beneath him; still too weak to properly sit up he clung to the only support that was provided to him, didn't let go of the soft robe that was coloured red by now.

»My, my, what have you done, my dear?« a familiar voice mildly scolded him; Jūshirō looked up and met Shunsui's stern gaze.

»Ah… Shunsui…« was all Jūshirō managed to come up with; talking was painful, but he couldn't have expressed how thankful he felt for Shunsui's presence right now anyway even if he were able to speak more than two words without feeling like suffocating.

»You can't just sneak out like that and then almost get yourself killed! Not without inviting me to come along!«

»I'm – ah – sorry. I don't know – ah, – what happened« Jūshirō panted as Shunsui lowered himself and took his hands in order to warm them up. Only now Jūshirō realised he was back in their shared room, sitting on his futon.

Shunsui allowed him enough time to compose himself, to regulate his breathing, to recall what had happened, and got him a flask of water, knowing he'd have to refill his reiatsu as fast as possible.

Jūshirō emptied it in one go and felt the effect on an instant. Slowly the life was returning to him, the pain started to subside already and he could think straight again.

»Did you overdo it?« Shunsui then asked, kneeling down in front of him in order to rid him of his bloodstained robe.

»Ahm… I guess so. I don't know how, but I managed to drain too much of my reiatsu at once« Jūshirō tried to explain; he noticed how coarse his voice was sounding.

Still there was the taste of blood in his mouth that made him feel slightly nauseous.

Shunsui worked down the dirty robe and embraced Jūshirō who started to shiver. »It's hard to explain but… I can show you tomorrow what I did. If you want to see it.«

»Of course I do« Shunsui said, now starting to undress himself as well, »must have been quite impressive after all, judging from the enormous spiritual pressure you released. It woke me up, and half of Seireitei, too, I'm sure. But well, otherwise I wouldn't have known you're in trouble and wouldn't have gone to check on you.«

»And I'd be dead« Jūshirō grimly added.

Shunsui's face fell dark again. »Don't say that. You're alright, aren't you?« he asked, and as Jūshirō nodded affirmatively, added »don't scare me like that ever again, Shiro-chan.«

»I'm sorry.«

Then Shunsui got up again, and signalled Jūshirō to follow him. »Let's take a shower« he elaborated, »we can't go to bed bloodstained and wet like that, can we.«

The suggestion was music to Jūshirō's ears. Showering? _Together?_ A surge of excitement flooded his body and numbed out the pain for a second.

 

When Jūshirō, still weak on his legs, finally reached the communal bathroom of the student barrack, Shunsui was already in the shower, checking the water temperature.

Naturally they were the only ones showering at a time like this, in the middle of the night. He undressed as quickly as his frail state of health allowed and followed Shunsui.

Upon entering the shower room, Jūshirō fully realised what was going to happen. _He's naked. And I'm naked. Oh my_.

The sight of Shunsui's bare body stunned him and Jūshirō was glad his feet were moving automatically, or otherwise he would already have made a fool out of himself before they had even started showering.

Shunsui moved to the side a little so his friend could rinse his hair; the blood had partially dyed it red and Jūshirō watched as the translucent crimson liquid disappeared in the drain.

He also tried his best not to look anywhere but focus on the stone tiles right in front of his face. He was glad he could blame the enormous blush creeping over his entire face on the hotness of the water.

For a while they both stood next to each other, letting the water run down their bodies, without saying a word.

Jūshirō felt Shunsui's piercing gaze on him but tried to ignore it, tried to stir his thoughts away from the obvious so he could remain in control of his mind and body. Which was crucial right now.

_Why's he staring at me like that?_ Shunsui's gaze was distracting, embarrassing almost.

»Let me wash your back« the brown-haired suddenly said, and before Jūshirō could object he already felt a cold sensation on his backside where the soap was touching him.

_No way. No way I can contain myself like that_.

Shunsui let his hands glide up and down Jūshirō's maltreated skin, carefully avoiding the open sores and grazes on his back.

»My, my, you've never looked like this after training with me« Shunsui noted with a chuckle, and let his hands glide lower.

Jūshirō sharply inhaled.

When Shunsui carefully, slowly, intentionally drew closer from behind, pressing his chest against his back and embracing him, Jūshirō knew there was no turning back for him now.

He opened his squinted eyes for a second to look down and caught sight of the undeniable sign of arousal his body was displaying. And, as close as Shunsui was right now, he knew for certain he could see it as well.

It seemed, however, as if he didn't mind – Shunsui just kept going, moving his hands across Jūshirō's chest now, tracing his pectoral muscles and his collarbone, his shoulders, arms and abs, so slowly and skilfully Jūshirō was almost losing his mind over the beautifully sinful sensation.

Never before had anyone touched him like this. He was on fire, and the pain was completely gone.

 

Feeling a little more at ease as the minutes passed and Shunsui showed no sign of wanting to stop any time soon, Jūshirō carefully let his head fall backwards and leaned against the one standing behind him; he brought his hands to Shunsui's waist and tentatively pulled his lower body closer as well.

When he felt what he wanted to feel even the last bit of reluctance vanished and Jūshirō allowed himself to give in to his arousal.

On a whim he turned around and pulled Shunsui into a heated kiss, showing him how much he desired him right now, while touching him everywhere in the meantime.

He just couldn't help it.

Shunsui went with it and returned the gestures before embracing Jūshirō fully, pulling him so close there was barely any room to breathe. Neither of them cared at the moment; they held their breaths and indulged in this perfect sensation.

 

After a while, however, Jūshirō felt it wasn't enough any more. He needed more, so much more, he needed relief, and most of all, he needed to be with this man, be one with him.

Right now.

»Shun…« he whispered in his ear, pushing his leg between Shunsui's thighs at that, »I want to… please… I want you to…« he stammered.

As a response Shunsui brought his hand to Jūshirō's face, tracing his jawline with his thumb and pushing his head up at that, forcing him to look at his face.

Jūshirō immediately noticed the much darker hue of grey in his friend's eyes; they were filled with desire as much as he imagined his own to be right now.

»My dear…« he heard Shunsui whisper before being kissed again,  »I know you do. I'd love to… but not here. Not now.«

Jūshirō woke from the trance he had been caught in up until now.

»Why not?« he dared to ask and continued to move his hands across Shunsui's lower back, cupping his cheeks as an unmistakable signal.

_I want you to make love to me_.

Shunsui let out the faintest laugh and kissed him again, so sweetly and chastely it drove Jūshirō insane. Then he withdrew, wrung out his hair, grabbed a towel and left the shower room without even looking back.

And Jūshirō remained standing there, perplexed and beyond unsatisfied.


End file.
